More Automaton Than Human

Foggy Night Photolog

2006-12-02T06:40:00.000-06:00

Battle Chess Was Much Cooler

2006-11-27T17:04:00.000-06:00

While waiting for a table at a restaurant, a friend and I went next door to a coffee shop, and noticed a chess board was set out for people to use. I not having played since elementary school with my father and he since high school, sat down for a match to the death/or until the restaurant called my cell phone. This sparked the curiosity of patrons who then started gathering around to watch. Now, it is one thing to display one's only child-like competence in an game to a friend. It is completely different to expose it to a room full of strangers. Unfortunately, the restaurant called only after the on-looker's caffeine altered interest became glares of disgust. Let me tell you, nothing complements a free basket of nachos and salsa better than humble pie.

I Think I Know What He Was Washing Up From

2006-11-22T10:31:00.000-06:00

The porntastic neighbor, while in the shower, had a halogen light fall onto his mattress catching it on fire and burning his apartment down. To put out the fire, the firemen knocked out my ceiling rendering the apartment unlivable. Although my apartment suffered no fire damage, the smoke damage was extensive. I understand minor disasters have a way of opening up more of one's life to the outside world than normal, and having every book, magazine, and article of underwear I own cataloged by cleaning companies for insurance purposes, has lead to a level of official exposure that I'm not used to. Not that it is entirely uncomfortable, but it is unusual. Simultaneously, I am quite glad that unlike my neighbor, I do not have to catalogue a massive porn collection and argue that the replacement value for the director's special edition set of lesbian spank inferno I, II, III is more than each title individually.

The Boss is in Taiwan, and I've Got Nothing Better to Do Than Write Email

2006-11-21T15:13:00.000-06:00

> -----Original Message----->
From:Kelley
Sent: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 11:03 AM
To: Opie
Subject: We're pulling for you!

Opie,

"The well bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves." I don't think Oscar Wilde ever had to defend a dissertation, but the advice goes a long way. Hope this finds you well and full of confidence. If you need anything at all, don't hesitate to ask.

Happy Thanksgiving,
Love,

Kelley

On Tue, 21 Nov 2006 11:53:50 -0500,

"Opie" wrote:

Kelley,

Well, I defended Nov. 9, so I am officially Dr. Obadiah Jessen. I turned in my dissertation yesterday, and I am just waiting on the final format approval. So, I am just sitting here playing video games waiting for the conformation email.

That little snippet made the process sound easy, but needless to say it wasn't. My porntatstic neighbor burned down his apartment on 10/24 leaving me rather homeless 2 weeks before the defense. My stuff only suffered smoke damage, but it all still needs to be cleaned. His insurance refused the claim, so it has to go on my insurance. Now, I am living in a refugee apartment with my card table, two folding chairs, and an inflatable mattress. It must look really bad because when my insurance adjuster stopped by to take my statement, he offered me money to buy food. Anyway, I am now setting up appointments for restoration companies to clean all of my clothes and furniture. All of this was happening on top of the standard madness surrounding our research center review, which is a whole mess of stories I do not even want to get into. I hope things have been going more smoothly for you.

Dr. Opie

On Tue, 21 Nov 2006 13:33:56 -0500,

"Kelley" wrote:

Dr. O-

That was the BEST email i have received in a long time.
Though it's not a contest, things are actually not going more smoothly here: unless you call having to find a new job in a hurry a good thing...and having america's most wanted arrested a block away from your house, and having two (more) clients kill each other in your yard, and having BOTH secretaries delivering their babies at work...all in the past two days. Although, none of those things will cause lung cancer, so we'll call it even. Thanksgiving can't come fast enough.

From experience, I'm sure the insurance settlement will be fine, in fact, maybe fabulous. It bodes well for you that you were sleeping on the floor. Ah, the stories you'll have for your grandkids...as you're sailing on your yacht...What is your new mailing address if say one should send you a hot meal or a clean pair of pants. I can't stress it enough- you are my new favorite tv show. I can't wait to hear what will happen next.

keep on truckin'

kelley

On Tue, 21 Nov 2006 15:12:23 -0500,

"Opie" wrote:

Kelley,

No, no you win. A week like the one described indicates that needing to find a new job and leave that mess of a city behind in a hurry is an excellent turn of events. That is unless you like puzzles such as which flowers go best with the chalk lines in the front yard, and how best could the linen closet be converted into a panic room. I will say my life is sometimes like a t.v. show, but at least it is not a CSI spin-off.

~O

There is No Business Like Show Business

2006-11-16T14:08:00.000-06:00

Unexpectedly, my boss came in and told me and two of my colleagues to get into the lab. A TV commercial was scheduled to be shot, so "actors" needed to be conscripted. I would like to think I was chosen for my natural photogenic qualities, but it was probably because I did not look busy. I had a small but integral role as loader of sample into the X-ray diffractometer. It was demanding. I had to bring all of my 4.5 years of training to the role when after the 10 secs of scripted business, the camera stayed on me. I had to improvise the next 45 secs of the start-up procedure. People say improvisation is hard, I think not. So if you live in the Midwest and see a commercial with x-ray equipment, I'm the non-Chinese one in the blue shirt.

Side note: I am currently waiting for a craigslist missed connections posting for "Sample loader with the ass that will not quit- m4m- 29" from the production assistant. So if for some reason I appear to be staring off screen, you know who I was looking at.

Christmas Plan

2006-11-14T06:25:00.000-06:00

My family is not close in the traditional sense. If anyone needs help, we are all more than willing to contribute as we can. But I am O.K. with the fact that I talk to my older brother three times a year including Thanksgiving and Christmas, and that I talk to my younger brother about five times a year. We do not involve each other in day-to-day issues, but keep up on big picture/life altering events i.e. weddings, new children, major illness, etc. This only becomes a problem during the gift giving holidays. The obvious solution to expressing one's love for each other without wanting any intimate details has been the gift card. Upsetting the happy balance we have struck, my mother has stated that she is tired of exchanging gift certificates for Christmas and is forcing the issue. She has been pushing us to develop a new Chrismas tradition. The ideas submitted thus far are listed below.

1. Petty Crime Exchange where we all write one small crime (a.k.a. slashing a set of tires, "quieting" a noisy dog) and place it in the hat and we each draw one crime that helps another with a maximum 5 year jail term (me)
2. Going around a nieghborhood carolling Nine Inch Nails songs (younger brother)
3. Seeing Joseph and the Techno Colored Dream Coat (mother)
4. Burning Disliked Friends and Neighbors in Effigy on their door step (father)
5. Adopting a needy family (younger Sister-in-law)

After heated discussion about these options, she decided to table the issue for a while.

I Am Talking About That Other Burning Feeling

2006-11-13T16:19:00.000-06:00

I noticed at some point during the day that I wasn't experiencing the searing hate I have been feeling at the office. Thinking about it, I realized I did not come into work Sunday. Stringing that time together with the time I left on Saturday and the time before I came into the office today, I spent a total of 39 hours not at work. That is the most continuous time off I have had since very early in August. It is amazing what a full night's sleep will do for one's mood.

Detecting Your Pre-Homosexual Son

2006-11-13T09:46:00.000-06:00

While at my parents' house, I found a book from the eighties called "Mothers & Sons" about parenting boys. In a chapter called something like "Homosexuality: Things Can Go Wrong Even In The Best Homes", it listed various signs that your son may be 'pre-homosexual' including if he is

1. Courteous
2. Overly Polite
3. Witty
4. Avoids large group competitions

And it stated that, if your son exhibits these characteristics he should be carefully watched and kept away from other boys exhibiting similar characteristics. Is it me or, excluding number 4, are these not also characteristics for well behaved children.

Dr. Jessen

2006-11-09T18:10:00.000-06:00

It's official. I passed my doctoral dissertation defense this afternoon, so now I'm Dr. Obadiah Jessen. My parents called this afternoon, and my father would not stop referring to me as Dr. Jessen. It was simultaneously endearing and annoying the way that only small children and parents can be. Anyway, I am hoping to be able to post more regularly again. When spending 16 hours a day writing, reading, and making presentation slides, it is hard to take an hour break and write some more.

7 Months 'Til Sun

2006-10-17T14:33:00.000-06:00

I hate winter. I have always lived in states along the northern border, but there is something particular about northern Ohio winters. It is always gray. Anywhere else, the sun periodically appears, and you can say at least it's sunny out. But in Ohio, you are not even given that reprieve. The only consolation you can make is to say at least it's not snowing. Independent of any meteorological or astronomical calendar you know the gray winter has arrived when you find yourself saying it. This morning I got up to go to the office. It was cold, dark, and raining hard, and I let it slip. I said to myself, "Well at least it's not snowing." Hello winter, you suck.

Advice for Renting DVDs

2006-09-25T12:18:00.000-06:00

The problem with renting a video that describes it's plot as a movie within a movie is that you are usually stuck watching two sucky movies.

Dirty Daughters Don't Fall Far From the Dirty Father Tree

2006-09-21T22:33:00.000-06:00

I have run road races since 9 and started regular training at 12. In the past 15 years, I have been glared at by walkers, chased by dogs, and twice had cars drive off the road right in front of me. One of those times, the driver turned to get a better look while I was running shirtless only to drive right off the road when it sharply turned. Let me just say, there is nothing like having your looks directly cause an accident to raise your self-esteem. In the same vain, the most pleasant runner/spectator harassment is the cat call. Generally, the cat callers are girls in their late-teen or early-twenties. I will be the first to admit that in my teens and early twenties the attention was much appreciated. Now I'm in my late twenties, and despite increased modesty, I still get cat calls. But it is does not strike the same chord because it is kind of dirty and weird to have 18 year-olds yelling sexually explicit comments at you when you probably have more in common with their mother and would prefer their father.

That's What You Get for Dating Linday Lohan

2006-09-20T19:22:00.000-06:00

An article I read stated, "Lance Bass and boyfriend Reichen Lehmkuhl were dissatisfied when they arrived at Stereo House, where they were sup posed to stay ... At 3 a.m., they found the place 'seedy'... Stereo co-owner Mike Satsky told Page Six's Sarah Polonsky, 'The Stereo House is a $7 million estate where celebrities from Wilmer Valderrama to Scarlett Johansson and Lydia Hearst have stayed . "

Not that I truely care about the sleeping arrangements of celebrities, but anywhere that Wilmer Valderrama slept is by definition seedy.

An Open Letter to Correct Craigslist Confusion

2006-09-08T10:42:00.000-06:00

i am a 28 year straight athletic male who needs another athletic, fit or built male to massage my nude body. i am asking for athletic men since i allow the masseuse to stradle me if they feel it is necessary to rub a certain muscle group. ... if you are interested send a picture of yourself and i will get back to you. [Craigslist]

Dear Straight Athletic Male,

I almost believed you were straight while reading your post for a built male to stradle you and relax certain "muscles" in the men for men section of craigslist until you requested a picture. Straight men may or may not like to have certain "muscles" relaxed, but they definitely do not require pictures to ensure the hotness of the men who do the relaxing.

Sincerely,
Opie

And the Secret Ingredient is ...

2006-09-07T08:14:00.000-06:00

As thanks for helping with an oral presentation, an Asian colleague just gave me a red bean popsicle. Quite literally, it is red bean soup frozen, beans and all, onto a stick in the shape of a normal popsicle, and I'm talking 50% beans by volume. Once you get past the revolting concept and chewy texture of the boiled bean based popsicle, the legumes are refreshingly flavorless. I just hope the next time I help, she is distinctly less grateful.

Surly Suri

2006-09-06T07:43:00.000-06:00

Holy crap, that kid has a full head of hair. Suri was born about 2 months after my still bald niece. I know that children are often born with hair, but I thought it usually fell out shortly after birth. I hope she has a trust fund setup solely for hair care expenses, because at this rate that will put her in the poor house.

Bad Medicine

2006-09-05T11:55:00.000-06:00

Exhausting travel and lab time associated with conferences this month coupled with extreme exposure to the mass public, have contributed to my catching a cold. As such, I am currently high on a Dayquil/Advil cocktail which is kicking my butt, but which allows me minimal function in my professional capacity. I discovered this particular blend back in 2000 during the beginning of the recession. I was working as a co-op in a company which I was hoping to get a job offer from. During a critical part of my project while traveling in Arkansas, I came down with walking pneumonia. Unable to take time off, I had to work through it. The most effective symptom stopping medley I found after raiding a local drug store and dropping a C note on OTC remedies was a Dayquil/Advil combo. With the right balance of the two, I could medicate myself to the point of passable productivity. Like any effective medical regimen, there were draw backs. These included a zombie-like disconnected personality, a slight balance problem, and mild impotence. All of which were acceptable costs in achieving the goal of full employment. I lived on this cocktail for one month before the roommates forced me to go to the clinic, for the "traditional" treatment of antibiotics. Within a month I had recovered, and was getting ready for my work review. During the review, it was communicated that my "easy going, creative" working style would fit well with the company and that they would be happy to hire me, but then emphasized that I would have to pass a drug test, so I would have to be careful. Now, I have never actually taken any illegal drugs, so that comment left me a little confused until I remembered stumbling around the office for a month high on OTCs. Now, I work in an environment mostly populated by individuals of Asian decent, and anytime I take an OTC of any kind I get an earful. Western medicine only treats the symptoms not the underlying problem. You contain too much heat, drink this tea to balance it. Take that tea/herb to balance some other spiritual imbalance indicated by the shape of my eye. But as soon as they cough, their hypocrisy is revealed as they run off to the hospital as if they just got SARS. If you hate western medicine stop going to the damn emergency room each time you have a simple cold and leave me alone in my pharma-coma.

Creating New Frontiers in the Wrong Way

2006-08-31T11:32:00.000-06:00

I was looking at a map of alumni job placements from my program when I noticed it had a couple imaginary islands/continents. The big obvious one in the Pacific Ocean tipped me off. It does not bode well for my program nor my future when the administration either misses huge errors on a map given out for publicity or thinks it can create land masses at will. At least no one is claiming to work on these mythic isles.

Academic Bender

2006-08-30T06:59:00.000-06:00

In that I got my Ph.D. dissertation defense date set, I figured that it might be a good idea to actually start writing the dissertation. After obsessing about the fundamental concepts and nuanced out workings of my topic, reading a stack of journal articles taller than your average third grader, and editing five other dissertations in various unrelated areas, I thought this would go smoothly, but alas, not so much. All I need are the phrases "I Heart Molecules" and "Tommy has Cuties" for this dissertation to read like the scrawled note of an ADHD addled school girl. Who knew that the simple act of regurgitating your work over the past four years in an organized sensible manner would be so painful. No wait, regurgitate = puke, like after an alcohol fueled bender. Ah, there is the connection. Sorry about the rant. Please return to your normal duties. I have an academic hang-over to clear-up.

Universal Safety Signage for People of Western Descent Who Have Heard of the Parable of the Tortoise and Hare

2006-08-21T09:34:00.000-06:00

Behind the Learning Curve

2006-08-19T17:33:00.000-06:00

What bothers me most about this NYT graph of I.E.D.s in Iraq is that as the number of I.E.D devices deployed increases the number of I.E.D. devices safely found stays relatively constant. This not only indicates that the insurgency's production capacity is steadily increasing, but additionally implies that either the insurgency is learning and adapting deployment tactics faster than coalition forces can effectively respond or there is some saturated maximum capacity at which the coalition can find and destroy I.E.D.s. Either dynamic has disastrous consequences for trying to gain control in Iraq.

The Difficult Lives of Handicap Parking Meters

2006-08-17T13:41:00.000-06:00

Spotted on the way to work.

An Open Letter to Benji

2006-08-17T06:14:00.000-06:00

Dear Benji,

Congratulations on your win, but could you please stop weeping uncontrollably. Once is OK. Three times in one season is a bit overboard with the emotion. You make even Mia seem positively stoic in comparison.

Sincerely,
Opie

P.S. I saw your parents weeping uncontrollably as well suggesting that this may be a genetic condition. If so, please ignore the previous request.

So You Think You Can Dance

2006-08-16T17:42:00.000-06:00

I read this article in EW where the So You Think You Can Dance finalist are interviewed. They did OK until asked who they thought would win.

TRAVIS: I think Benji will win. He has the young-girl vote. If this was a true dance contest, I think I would win, but it is a personality/likability contest as well as a dance talent contest.

Travis, way to both identify the problem, likability, and reinforce your unlikability by stating infront of the other competitors that you are clearly better than they are.

But, Benji is not helping the cause.

BENJI: Every member of the final four deserves it. If it can't be me, I have to pick Heidi — because she's my cousin, for crying out loud! She has been my dance partner for 17 years.

You do not need to remind us of the creepy cousin chemistry. Latent desire to inbreed is not "likable", it is West Virginian. Anyway Travis was right, despite evidence of incest, Benji will win.

Quote of the Day: From the Wife of an International Colleague

2006-08-15T10:27:00.000-06:00

Wife: "Opie, you are too nice. Which means are either evil, and trying to take advantage of people, or dumb... and I don't really think you're evil."

Opie: "Thanks... please, don't let me stop you from leaving"

Will You Please Stop Crying About Your Dead Twin Brother

2006-08-14T09:15:00.000-06:00

Below is a quick advice column excerpt.

My fiance, "Ken," has a 10-year-old son whom he loves very much. The only problem is that he isn't sure "David" is his. .... There is a very real chance David is not Ken's biological son. David becomes brokenhearted and tearful when this is discussed. [Slate]

Who intentionally tells their fiance's son that he may be a fatherless bastard and then writes an advice columnist about how to deal with the emotional child and what to do if the fiance's son actually is a fatherless bastard?

Blog Confessional: Where Sin are Aired and Forgiven

2006-08-02T21:38:00.000-06:00

I taught my 2.5 year-old nephew that octopuses say "moo". He and my sister-in-law were putting together a cartoon barnyard puzzle, and she had him saying the noises that each of the barn animals made. When she left the room, he brought an ocean puzzle over to do with him. As we started piecing it together, his pointed to the octopus and asked what it said. I stared blankly at him for a moment trying, as a good uncle, to figure out how to explain to a 2.5 year-old that octpuses can't really speak when I decided to screw it and said "moo". So if he misses some crazy baah is to sheep as moo is to ... analogy question on his SAT's which prevents him from attending a good university and getting a good job, I will take the blame. If you were wondering, fish say cluck (Tuna = chicken of the sea ), and whales say oink (with all that blubber, whales are fatties).

I Think We Have Some Muskets We Could Fire

2006-07-31T08:06:00.000-06:00

U.S. Successfully Completes Missile Test

The Minuteman III dummy warheads were fired at 3:14 a.m. and traveled about 4,200 miles before hitting a water target in the Marshall Islands. [Breibart]

I'm not sure why this is news. These missiles are specified to have a range of 6,000-plus miles, so shooting them 4,200 miles is hardly a shocking and threatening demonstration of our military superiority. Oh wait, they were deployed in 1970 and production stopped in 1978, one year before I was born, so the news is that we have indisputably demonstrated that we can faithfully follow the maintenance schedule of 30 year-old weapons systems. Why demonstrate one's technical superiority when you can show one's ability to follow a checklist. Kind of sad.

Federally Funded Humor

2006-07-30T13:38:00.000-06:00

-----Original Message-----
From: Aaron
Sent: Monday, July 29, 2006 7:30 PM
To: Chris; Barry; Opie; Eric
Subject: Just what the world needs...

Recently, we welcomed Ty into the world. Pam and Ty are at home and doing fine. We’re still working on adjusting to having no sleep (odd how you can get no sleep caring for someone who sleeps 13-15hrs a day).

Aaron

-----Original Message-----
From: Barry
Sent: Monday, July 29, 2006 9:12 PM
To: Chris
Cc: Eric; Opie
Subject: Re: Just what the world needs...

We had no idea Pam was pregnant. At least not from the male counterpart. Sue thought they were. She has a gift, I guess.

~ Barry

-----Original Message-----
From: Opie
Sent: Tuesday, July 30, 2006 8:41 AM
To: Barry; Chris
Cc: Eric
Subject: RE: Just what the world needs...

I had no idea either, but I would keep an eye on that Sue lady. I'm
assuming the last time she saw Pam was at Chris's wedding which would have
been ~3-4 months before conception. So, if Sue thought they were... Barry,
I'm just saying that you should only think very clean thoughts that's all.
That is unless Pam is 30.77% elephant (gestation period = 22 months), but I
did not notice her having unusually large feet, ears, or tusks. By the way,
since my salary is federally funded, your hard earned taxes dollars just
paid for that "humorous" factoid, so I suggest you savor what you just paid
for. I like to think of the federal government as "The Endowment for Opie Jessen to Advance Elephant/Pam Based Humor", and that factoid has been
TEOJAEPBH's greatest accomplishment ever!

Opie

An Old Fashion Stair Master

2006-07-29T11:46:00.000-06:00

It is not that I minded climbing down then up the nine floors at work when the roofers caught the building on fire, but when it happened a second time in one hour, I was quite annoyed. Thank goodness for Right Guard.

Undue excitement

2006-07-15T21:52:00.000-06:00

Average Bi Bottom! - 24 [Craigslist]

Uuummmm? I just don't think about using an exclamation point when writing about something being average. Craigslist seems to distort people's understanding of the exclamation point. Reading the post you find that

I am an average looking bi male looking for the same... I am 6 ft 250 blonde and blue and this is what I'm looking for... You should have an average or larger cock, be clean, somewhat attractive... prefer someone average looking. also, you must be discreet and preferably in a hetero relationship but not required. also an interest in crossdressing and trannys would be a plus but again, not required...

Let me state that a 250lb 6ft tall bisexual into crossdressing and trannies is not average, and the probability of finding another large, bisexual with a beard into crossdressing and trannies is extremely limited because it is not average. Sorry for raining on your parade.

Open Letter from Life to Michiganders

2006-07-11T17:51:00.000-06:00

Dear Michiganders,

I was reading USA Today and stumbled across this.

"Michiganders are furious at life, ...says Democratic pollster Celinda Lake. " [USAT]

I would just like to formally state what should be obvious from the repeated royal rogering you have recieved, I don't care.

Sincerely,

Life

P.S. Have you ever thought of going by Michiganites or Michigantoniniones. Your current designation kind of sounds like a bad knock-off japanese duck dish. Sorry, I just realized that being compared to a bad japanese knock-off might be a little close to home.

Neighbor Porn

2006-07-10T17:31:00.000-06:00

A neighbor, whose apartment shares a wall with mine, is a porn freak. I wake up on the average Sunday morning to an ecstatic chorus of "OH GOD" and "Give me more" which would I attribute to a mass religious experience except for the distinct din of porn music in the background. All of this would be just annoying instead of disturbing if I didn't know of his fondness for working with high school students.

Fun Blimp Facts and Survival Tips!

2006-07-06T13:48:00.000-06:00

First, the fun fact!

During World War I, Britain suffers its first casualties from an air attack when two German zeppelins drop bombs on Great Yarmouth and King's Lynn on the eastern coast of England. This event starts Globophobia, the fear of balloons.

Now for the survival tips!

How to Survive a Blimp Attack
(This has particular significance for our local blimp laden skies, so if you live in a blimp free zone feel free to ignore)

Step 1: Look up and recognize that you are under attack by balloony death from above.

Step 2: Move, blimps are slow so they cannot match the superior agility of humans

Alt. Step 2: Shoot down Blimp with rapid-repeating anti-aircraft guns and avoid exploding blimp shrapnel.

Step 3: Get therapy to avoid post-traumatic Globophobia.

Bonus survival tips!

How to Survive a Stealth Blimp Attack

Step 1: You don't, so be prepared to die.

Now I Have Heard of the Book Mobile, But ......

2006-06-30T15:38:00.000-06:00

The pregnancy mobile! What sector does that serve? The book mobile is mainly for children and the elderly who do not have the means to get to the library. That's not exactly the demographic that would find the pregnancy mobile a benefical service. Besides, who would rather line-up outside in their neighborhood to get tested instead of getting an at home test from the drug store or going to the local planned parenthood. Maybe it is for the homeless, but let's just said, I've never seen the refrigerator box a rock'n if you know what I mean. Alas despite it's apparent pointlessness, it exists in all of it's converted R.V. glory.

So That's Why I Felt Dirty After My 7th Grade English Teacher Touched Me

2006-06-29T17:08:00.000-06:00

After such a salacious title, the post will actually be quite boring. I found this article a while ago.

A recent study commissioned by Clorox Company found that teachers had the germiest jobs. In fact teachers had 10 times the germ rates than any other profession, according to Charles Gerba, a microbiologist at the University of Arizona who did the study. That's because they're around kids most of the time - notorious germ spreaders.

1. Teacher (averaged 17,800 bacteria per square inch)
2. Accountant (6,030)

I am going to break into this list and point out that 17,800 is not 10 times greater than 6,030 (in fact it is only ~2.9519071310116 times greater), so then, how does Charles Gerba, "A Microbiologist", come up with the idea that teachers have 10 times the germ rate of any other profession. Maybe he should have picked-up that Math for Dummies book in Borders, but let's all take comfort in that he is not Charles Gerba, "A Mathematician".

3. Banker (5,400)
4. Radio DJ (3,323)
5. Doctor (2,620)
6. Television producer (2,460)
7. Consultant (1,250)
8. Publicist (1,020)
9. Lawyer (900)

(CNN)

I understand why teachers are germy, but accountants. What have they been doing in the supply closet, and why have they not been washing their hands afterward. I would also like to point out that doctors take the number 5 spot. In dealing with the sick, I would expect some bacteria, but good gracious, there is this thing called disinfectant. Use it.

Intern Season

2006-06-28T18:37:00.000-06:00

I think I made one of those hiring mistakes that you hear about in human resource circles. It hit me this morning when I opened Outlook and saw an email from an intern I hired exclusively on recommendation from a former adviser titled Internship Opportunitie. This individual either forgot the "s" in opportunities, which makes little sense in that this is a single internship opportunity, or thinks the "e" sound is made with "ie" instead of a "y" in this word, which is an even scarier prospect. Independent of the reason, the more important point is that he did not even bother to hit spellcheck before sending a message to an employer. The message was riddled with simple spelling and grammatical errors. Thank goodness I am not directly responsible for him. Otherwise, this could be a very long summer.

Return of a Nineties Icon

2006-06-27T15:49:00.000-06:00

I was under the impression that spokey dokes stopped beginning cool in '91. Clearly, I was wrong.

Quote of the Weekend

2006-06-26T11:23:00.000-06:00

Idle hands spend time on the genitals, and you know how God hates that.

Open Letter Rebuttal to Possible Public Slander

2006-06-22T18:36:00.000-06:00

One of my friends from way back in elementary school is giving the children's story at her UU church. Below is a draft of the speech that she posted. In that it is based on her experiences growing up, for which I was partially present, I feel the need to correct and or illuminate certain portions in which my actions may be being described. I have italicized the text of the speech below.

I have some questions for you guys.Who here has ever been made fun of? When someone laughs at you, or says something mean? (response, hopefully) I have. People have said mean things to me.

This is true.

And a harder one: Who here has ever made fun of someone else? (response, hopefully) I have. I've said mean things to people.

Also true. She wears bitchy well, but in her defense the individuals being made fun of rarely realized it.

When I was in school, I got made fun of a lot, because I was different. I had big fuzzy hair, and I had thick glasses that covered up my whole face. People teased me for that.

This point needs a little clarification. We did not make fun of you for your huge thick glasses and fuzzy hair. We made fun of the duct tape used to hold your glasses together, hence the nickname "Duct Tape". As far as fuzzy hair is concerned, it was the early nineties. A fuzzy rooster tail was simply a girl's best friend in sixth grade.

I was also a weird kid.

Hallelujah to that sister. Preach it on the mountain.

I liked to read, all the time, instead of playing sports or games. I always had a book, and I was good at tests, so the other kids called me a nerd. That hurt my feelings. Are any of you guys nerds? (response, hopefully)

Again, this is not exactly true. We did not make fun of you for liking to read. In fact, we were quite impressed by your ability to navigate overcrowded school halls without ever looking up from your book. We also did not make fun of you for any lack of athletic ability. In fact, you ran cross country in junior high. What we did make fun of was your need to read while running races. I believe I still have pictures of you crossing the finish line with a copy of Anna Karenina in hand.

And I didn't fit in very well at my school. I was different from the other girls. All of them were interested in their hair, and their clothes, and they all had the latest most expensive clothes you could have. My parents wouldn't buy me expensive clothes, so the other girls teased me about that.

I have no knowledge of the other girl's behavior, so I will let this one slide.

The last thing people made fun of me for was my religion. I would tell them that I didn't believe in God and they would say mean things about how I was going to Hell. Has that happened to any of you? (response, hopefully)

Are really saying that you hope people have told these children to go to Hell? I might rephrase that.

So I got made fun of every year.

Well at least every year that you had duct tape glasses and ran with a book, but I hardly feel guilty for giving you a hard time on these points.

But every year, there were one or two people who said, Hey, stop that. You shouldn't be mean to people. You shouldn't make fun of people or tease them. It hurts their feelings, and makes everybody a little bit sadder and madder and upset.

I have to admit, I don't remember that. I think you may be taking some creative license with the little ones.

And every time someone would say that, I'd feel a little bit happier. And when they would come over to where I was reading, by myself, on the playground, and ask me to play with them, I'd feel much happier. And when they'd come over to my house after school or have me over to dinner, I'd feel really a lot happier.

Or you would feel a little bit ashamed at your families behavior. Insanity is never pretty over the dinner table.

And I'd remember that it wasn't me being weird that was the problem,

Though it did promote the problem

it was those other people being mean.And that made me think, "Hey, people should stop being mean to other people."

Like not hoping people told young children to go to hell?

And I became one of those kids who told other kids to stop being mean. And other kids thought I was bossy, but they also knew I was right.

There was no "thinking" you were bossy. You were bossy, and you were right about ~75% of the time. But, we listened because of your freakishly strong arms from carrying those books during 2 mile races, not the rectitude of your moral positions. To this day, I still disagree with your use of the phrase "Go to Hell" around small children.

And sometimes--not always, but sometimes--they quit saying such nasty things.

We also just grew tired of calling you Duct Tape. I mean it sounds juvenile when your 18. But, Jo-Jo head is a classic that will stand the test of time.

So the problem with making fun of people who are different is that it is a mean thing to do.

Like physical intimidation isn't mean.

And when you say, "Hey, that's not right," you make the person being made fun of a lot happier.

I have found revenge also makes people happy, but you seem to be ignoring that route.

And you make yourself happier, because you know you've done something good. And you make your whole class or school or world a happier, better place to be. For everyone.And that is what we must do!

Are you going to be flexing when you say that, because again, physical intimidation is not nice.

Now please join me in singing the children out.

Please tell me that you aren't going to be singing "Highway to Hell."

Seemingly Obligatory But Oddly Apolitical Post on the Marriage Debate

2006-06-21T17:24:00.000-06:00

I found the following quote from potential presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, independent of one's thoughts on the marriage debate, quite disturbing.

(Potential presidential candidate Mike) Huckabee said in 2004 that allowing gay marriages is allowing "lawlessness." "That's my major concern, that we've just got a whole bunch of folks out there that want to make up their own laws," he said. Later that year, [he] said marriage "cannot be redefined to be something that culture wants it to be." [Red State]

I think they call groups of people coming together to develop laws democracy. Ideally speaking, this is the basis of our government. Independent of the universal overarching concepts of human rights (such as individual determination and pursuit of happiness), state sanctioned marriage is a legal construct, with legal benefits as well as penalties, and in a democracy, the legal construction can be changed to conform to the will of the people. As such, Huckabee's statement makes no sense. I think Mr. Huckabee was trying, but failed, to make the argument that Bill Frist made recently.

(Bill Frist stated) that the "American people deserve a full debate on this foundational issue before marriage is redefined for everyone" and said he wants to "ensure the definition of marriage endures and remains true to the wishes of the majority of the American people." [RedState]

Again, independent of human rights issues and the obvious political angle, at least this statement is coherent and compatible with the intended out working of a representative democratic process. So, in terms of potential Republican presidential nominees understanding how our government is suppose to work Frist 1, Huckabee 0.

Why I Am Single

2006-06-20T20:25:00.000-06:00

While driving to Atlanta for the American Chemical Society Smeeting, a colleague who recently got engaged asked a recently married colleague what his favorite part of marriage was. After a moment, he responded that it was knowing that there was always someone waiting for him. While I winced in horror, the recently engaged colleague smiled and said she hoped he would say that. Whereas, I find constantly having to deal with another person confining, spiritually suffocating and soul killing. It is only when I forget this that I choose to date again. Hence, the multi-year relationship hiatuses. Maybe this will not be true with the right person, but that has been my experience up to this point.

(Side note: I would have guessed that the plural of hiatus was hiati, but dictionary.com says no, and the internet is always right.)

The Culling of Hope...The Killing of Orphans

2006-06-19T23:35:00.000-06:00

This blog has been around for a while, and during this time I have collected a series of posts that just for some reason or another don't work: sometimes the humorous angle never materialized, sometimes the subject matter was time sensitive and did not get published in the relevant time frame, and sometimes do to a lack a writing finesse, they come off unnecessarily mean and/or garish. I kept working and reworking these post to no avail. Like doughy unfocused children, no matter how much work got invested into them, they just never did what they were suppose to. Now I am entering a period where I am going to be quite busy, so instead of ruining some good ideas by not allowing proper editing time just for the sake of posting, I have decided to give-up hope, and cut my losses by sacrificing these orphan posts that just don't measure up. This little dumping of the trash should last about a week.

Nature's Hoodie

2006-06-15T10:00:00.000-06:00

Here is a summary of a story on CNN. A mother wants to have her 8 year-old son circumsized to help reduce the number of painful urinary tract infections the son has been contracting. The father is suing to prevent the procedure. The father is being helped free of charge by "David Llewellyn, an Atlanta attorney who specializes in circumcision cases", and the reasoning the father gives for refusing the procedure is that "[His son] is not a Jew."

Often times something doesn't quite feel right with news stories, but this one has my head spinning. First, where does one go to law school when one decides to specialize in circumcision cases, and how does that statement of purpose entrance essay read. Then how do you approach the parent or parents involved in the case and express your interest in their son's circumcision while offering your services free of charge without appearing creepy and off-putting. Finally, of all the reasons that one may have to question the practice of circumcision, why would you choose to publicly express your anti-Semitic one. This whole situation kind of baffles me.

Cabinet Cuts Loose

2006-06-13T10:09:00.000-06:00

This excerpt is from a pool reporter that went on the trip to Iraq with the president.

Mr. Bartlett said that the president left Camp David Monday evening after excusing himself from an after-dinner discussion about Iraq that included Mr. Cheney; Messrs. Gonzalez, Bodman, and Johanns; National Intelligence Director John Negroponte; Gen. Michael Hayden, the Director of Central Intelligence; and Gen. Peter Pace, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Mr. Bartlett explained that at approximately 7:45 PM, Mr. Bush told the officials that he was "losing altitude" and wanted to go to bed to read a bit before falling asleep. The meeting adjourned around 8 PM,... [Drudge]

I find it oddly comforting that even top government officials give up on meetings just minutes after the boss leaves the room like I do.

Addendum: Someone noted that without having to repeatedly explain everything to the president, it may have only took 15 minutes to cover the meetings agenda. I do not care for this idea because it reaffirms the previously held notion that I am unusually lazy, but it is funny none the less.

Unsolicted Relationship Advice

2006-06-12T15:45:00.000-06:00

At this point, I figure you shouldn't post on craigslist in this area unless you want me to comment. Below is the latest find.

I miss you. I know I shouldn't. I wish you would just try harder instead of doing the backstroke in the sea of f*&% up. I'd much prefer you to "try a little tenderness" and quit with the repeated offenses... sometimes sorry is just a word. How about we forget you being sorry and we just have you HERE being NICE. Oh squooshy head, where r u? [Craigslist]

Holy crap. Get some self-esteem and forget the bastard. Advice for future relationships, a pet name like squooshy head is as much relationship sabbotage as swimming in the sea of f*&% ups. Nothing would make me want to act out quite like being called a squooshy head.

Eggers Sighting...Something Like a Yeti Sighting Except Without the Fear of a Mauling

2006-06-09T15:07:00.000-06:00

Dave Eggers, a McSweeneys editor, has a humorous piece in Slate today about the rise of soccer in the US in honor of the world cup. It is definitely worth a read.

I have this strange rash...Maybe I will call the Federal Reserve

2006-06-09T03:27:00.000-06:00

Here is an excerpt from an article on The Smoking Gun website about the investigation into steroid use in baseball.

After a week's cooperation, Grimsley's lawyer stopped his chats with the government team, which included Internal Revenue Service agent Jeff Novitzky, who has headed the steroid investigation of Barry Bonds and other clients of San Francisco's BALCO laboratory.

Now, why is the IRS heading investigations into drug use? Seriously, isn't that the FDA's, ATF's and/or the FBI's job. Heck, I could understand the Justice Department or as a stretch Health and Human Services taking charge, but the IRS. Do they even know how to do drug testing?

What are these bison of which you speak?

2006-06-08T09:25:00.000-06:00

This report is from a local news station website.

Curious About Bison? Local Man Wants to Help

(6/7/06) — (A) man is opening his farm this weekend to anyone who wants to learn more about bison. Jim Buckmaster he doesn't know why more people don't eat bison. He says the meat is protein-rich and low in fat and calories.

I have three problems with this snippet.

1. Choose the pronoun he or the proper noun Jim Buckmaster, I don't care which, but only use one.

2. Is this a news report or a commercial for bison, and if it is a report, what exactly makes it news worthy.

3. Why was there enough space on the website to put this article in the news archive, but not enough space to report the stabbing murder of my neighbor the night before? It is not like they did not know it happened. Their reporters knocked on my door looking for comments. Kind of odd.

Abandoned Pre-Industrial Dilapidation Photolog

2006-06-06T15:56:00.000-06:00

I Agree with the Communist...She probably is a Ditz

2006-06-05T15:50:00.000-06:00

Blake Teegarden
Just tell me one thing, why, oh why, oh why did you marry that brainless ditz from the hills? I mean really Blakely, a cheerleader?!?! [Craigslist]

Re: Blake Teegarden
Is this Meredith Casey aka Deborah Gates? If so, I hate you! You were one of those communists who spray painted over our banner the night before the homecoming dance....we stayed up all night pasting all those little azaleas. [Craigslist]

Sweet time capsules batman, who has non-ironically used the term communist as an insult since the 80's. I would love to think that a local communist cell organized simply to destroy her homecoming banner.

I hope she used Deborah Gates as the alias to hide her communist affiliations. Meredith Casey just seems like the name of a frumpy, overweight, neo-feminist, midwesterner not that of a glamorous communist homecoming insurrectionist. More books/movies/television shows should start out with this much narrative potential.

(Side Note: I just thought I would take this time to say hello to the poor person in the DHS that has to read this post looking for clues and connections because I used the words insurrectionist and communist in the same sentence.)

Battle of the Booze

2006-06-02T07:07:00.000-06:00

After a long week at work one has to decide how to spend Friday evening. As with any project it is best to make the most critical decisions first, and in this case it is which alcohol to get plastered with. The first contender is amaretto sour. It is tasty, cool, refreshing and goes down smooth, as intended by the octogenarians that drink them. Hence, the inherent shame of being seen in public with an amaretto sour in hand. The other contender is Blue Moon. This is a light unfilter wheat beer that is known to have filtrate at the bottom of the brown bottle. Carrying it projects that distinctly masculine aura. Here is the crux of the problem. Do I endure public shame for maximized personal pleasure or maintain face amongst friends at the sacrifice of flavor.

The winner is:

It looks like I will be drinking alone.

Perspectives on Relationships

2006-06-01T11:58:00.000-06:00

Kate: I got my boyfriend to take a goofy drivers license photo for me.
Opie: But, he is stuck with that picture for five years even if you dump him.
Kate: I know! I like to leave a lasting impression.
Opie: Some people call that scaring.

Email of the Day

2006-05-31T16:06:00.000-06:00

Date: 5/31/06
From: Amy
To: Opie
Subject: Elbow licking update
_______________

Opie,

After extensive elbow twisting and head tilting, i am forced to conclude with the little snickers scientist that for a regular person it is impossible to lick one's elbow. However, i am not yet ready to conceed 100%. I believe that if one could dislocate one's shoulder it would be possible to lick one's elbow. Now all i need is a test subject who is freakishly flexible (anyone come to mind whose name begins with O?). Don't worry it will barely hurt at all to dislocate the shoulder but the relocation of it might be another story. I guess i'd have to have one big snickers in order to get you to do that or maybe just a lot of alcohol. By the way, i was thinking i could drive on friday night.

Later,
Amy

Railroad Photolog

2006-05-30T14:32:00.000-06:00

Holy Crap... Part 2

2006-05-23T06:19:00.000-06:00

Here is a factoid from a recent Newsday article.

"...black men are facing startlingly high HIV infection rates. Nearly half of black men who have sex with men are HIV-positive, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates."

My commentary is the same as for the men in Baltimore.

A Modeling Craigslist Find

2006-05-22T14:55:00.000-06:00

MODEL HERE IN THE MIDWEST from the WEST COAST LOOKING FOR VARIOUS LOCATIONS FOR SHOOTS.... ANYONE OUT THERE KNOW OF ANY OR ARE NICE ENOUGH TO ALLOW ME TO GET SOME PICS TAKEN AT THIS SPECIFIC LOCATION: BARN, with bails of hay......looking to do a farm boy look.. If you have anything or know of anything please get back to me asap, I do appreciate it.. Also looking for a jacuzzi to shoot some pics with as well.....thanks! [craigslist]

Have they no barns nor hay nor jacuzzis on the west coast? You don't actually need to be in the midwest to have a convincing farm themed photo shot, although your striving for authenticity is applauded. I believe the west coast has sufficient barn and hay based technology to make a facsimile work, and it would be a whole lot cheaper. I think in the biz they would call it west coast for midwest.

Open Letter Personal Advice for Personal Ads

2006-05-19T16:14:00.000-06:00

MINIMALIST SEEKS WOMAN. Hello, I am Neil, 52-years old and single. I am an insurance agent and looking for the right person. Age 52

Dear Neil,

You sound like a nice guy Neil, direct and to the point, but if you really are a minimalist, you don't want a woman. I have never heard anyone say, "Boy am I glad I met Sally. She sure has made my life simpler." Just a thought.

Sincerely,
Opie

Hypocritical Help Wanted Ad

2006-05-18T14:01:00.000-06:00

This is from an actual help wanted ad for a journalist position at a local paper.

Job requirements:
- You need to have a skill in writing, spelling and grammar. AP Style knowledge is preferred.
- Interviewing skills are preferred.

Just from the ad, I think that proficiency in written English requirement is a little more optional then the paper would like to admit.

Evidence of Elijah Wood's Return?

2006-05-17T17:07:00.000-06:00

Syphilis makes comeback in New Zealand

I guess it could also be because of Dominic Monaghan.

Cursing the Culinary Arts

2006-05-17T15:07:00.000-06:00

I decided to make my mother a turtle cheese cake for mother's day. In that I am not capable of finely and coarsely chopping the pecans as the recipe called for by hand, I mean chopped is chopped right, I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond, and located the baking section. Before long a young male sales assistant asked me if I needed help finding anything, and of course the first thing out of my mouth is, "Yeah, I'm looking for a manual grinder for my nuts." He turned red and looked away, while all I could say was, "you see, I have a lot of pecans to crush." He quickly said that the nut choppers where one row over and scurried away. This is what happens when people unexpectedly initiate conversation with me. I take only partial responsibility for this incident, and blame the rest on unreasonably good sales service.

Addendum: To the left is a picture of the exact model of nut chopper I purchased. Please note that for safety reasons that it should only be used on nuts that grow from trees.

Undergraduate Memories: Erma

2006-05-16T14:48:00.000-06:00

Angie, a girl whom I first met because she drunkenly made-out with my roommate at a frat party and then felt the need break up with her boyfriend of five years in a three hour call on my phone, came up to me in the cafateria and blurted out, "I have found the perfect girl for you. You must let me arrange your marriage!"

Now, we had talked at most 3 times, and none of these conversations had raised my opinion of her, and she clearly had no idea what I was looking for.

Angie continued, "I told her about you and she loves all the things you have done plus she likes intellectuals." Just as I was starting to feel slicker from the buttering up, she said, "Her name is Erma!" Nothing good can come from an Erma. My stomach turned at the thought that this could only go down from here and we were starting so very low. Unfortunately Angie continued, "She has a winning personality!"

"So what is wrong with her?", I replied.

"Well, she's has a little bit of a wieght problem," then after grapping my hands Angie, all dowy eyed, said, "But she is only one or two.........hundred pounds heavier than I am."

"Exacly how much heavier."

"She's around 375 pounds," Angie replied, "She is also a little older than you".

"How much older."

"Erma has you by a good five years." Angie continued, "She also..uh....um.... doesn't shave her legs or her pits and um... she likes wearing skimpy clothes."

"Let me get this straight, you think the perfect person for me is an older, 375 pound, scantily clad, hairy woman named Erma." At this point everyone at the table is rolling on the floor with laughter. I continued, "Is there anything else I should know?"

"Well there.. is one mmmooorrreee thing. She is .......bi....sexual." Angie then quickly blurts out, "I think I'll bring her up to your apartment Monday. Make sure your wearing a wifebeater because that turns her on." Then she started to walk away.

"No, No she's not," I announce loudly, "I will never wear a wifebeater to try to turn on an older, 375 pound, scantily clad, hairy, bisexual woman named Erma," but Angie was ignoring me.
Monday rolled around and no one showed up at my door. I thought I was pretty lucky until I realized that I had just been stood up by an older, 375 pound, scantily clad, hairy, bisexual woman named Erma.

Addendum: Angie has recently recieved a Ph.D. with a thesis focus in Human Sexuality. I know that she had a lot of practice in undergrad, but practice does not always make perfect, so beware of her advice!

What are friends for?

2006-05-12T13:00:00.000-06:00

I ran into a old friend from high school this week, and after the perfunctory greetings, she rattled off that I have "glassy and intense eyes with crows feet and large bags underneath them, just like my father when he use to steal my Ritalin." Of course, I thanked her for the glowing description and mentioned how fortuanate I am that I can achieve such a look without chemical addiction.

Platitudes Revised

2006-05-10T08:46:00.000-06:00

It is often said, "it is the darkest before the dawn." I happen to be
of the thought that it is the darkest right before an undetected black hole
swallows your body and crushes every atom of your being into an infinitely
small splat outside of space-time where the very laws of physics have been
broken to cause you more pain then previously possible in our current universe. Not as catchy as the original saying, but distinctly more accurate.

Career Change?

2006-05-09T07:49:00.000-06:00

It appears we are out of the liquid nitrogen I need to run a set of experiments, and I've gotten to the point that I would sell my body for two gallons of liquid nitrogen. The only reason I'm holding back is because I would have to file my income taxes as a "Man of the Evening." Maybe it would be more accurate to file as a "Science Whore."

Time + Good Weather = Hike Photolog

2006-05-08T06:17:00.000-06:00

We will say anything for a job

2006-05-06T12:14:00.000-06:00

I have to write a recommendation letter for a former intern that my boss can sign. The former intern is trying to get an internship this summer with Proctor & Gamble. While trying to find the address to send the letter to, I came across a web page where interns describe their summer experiences. It made me want to puke. They read like POW statements poorly written by non-English speaking captors and spoken on TV with a Luger pointed at the head just out of frame. Here is a sample and a link to the page.

My summer internship at P&G is astonishingly memorable with a quality of etherealness that provokes a vague longing to return. As my college career slows meanders to its end, I will proudly embark on the P&G career journey, hoping to reincarnate moments of my summer internship, to relive that beautiful summer once again.

I have to go and work as if the hilt of my master's whip was at my back, so please excuse any etherealness that provokes a vague longing resulting from this post. Sometimes I just cannot help it. Dang pungent etherealness!!

Save Our Punctuation

2006-05-05T06:43:00.000-06:00

Who can tell that it's Friday, and nobody wants to work.

____________________
From: Mike
To: Opie, Amy
Sent: May 5, 2006 8:00 AM
Subject: Lunch

Back on the regular schedule of lunch on the 12th at 12:30 pm. Can't wait to see ya there.

Mike

P.S. Be there or be quintagonally obtuse.

____________________________
From: Amy
Sent: May 5, 2006 8:28 AM
To: Mike, Opie
Subject: Re: Lunch

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Geometrical Reference . . . Brain . . . cannot . . . process . . .

PAIN!!!!!!!!!!

____________________________
From Opie
Sent May 5 2006 8 43 AM
To Mike Amy
Subject Re Re Lunch

I would just like to launch a formal complaint about the punctuation abuse I see in this email The next time you want to use an exclamation point please just think about all the baby exclamations that had to be clubbed to make that one point Please help stop the exclamation massacre Help bring these punctuations back from the brink of extinction Thank you

Opie
PETP Member

People for the Ethical Treatment of Punctuation PETP has certified that no punctuation was abused or killed in the making of this email

_________________

(Side note: It takes ~1 lamb to make 1 lamb skin condom, so ewww, or should I say "ewe"wwww. Well I can tell you right now, this is going to be a very long day of very bad puns)

Will the NYT please get a science fact checker.

2006-05-03T07:02:00.000-06:00

A recent NY Times article describing the potential de-funding of a laser-based anti-satellite system called Starfire contains the following statement.

"Unclassified pictures of Starfire in action show a pencil-thin laser beam shooting up from its hilltop observatory into the night sky."

Unfortunately, unlike what Star Wars would have you believe, one normally cannot see laser beams. If you can see them, it means significant scattering is dramatically weakening the laser's intensity. A quick Google search found the images mentioned above concerning Starfire, like the one to the left. In several places they were accurately labeled as illustrations because the laser beams are drawn in. As such, they are not pictures of Starfire in action, but drawings of how Starfire theoretically works. (Side Note: Because of atmospheric optical dispersion, the tracer and firing lasers are most likely the same color. Which should have been a clue that the lasers were drawn in. I mean besides the obvious labeling of the picture as illustration.) Considering other oversights, I think the NYT needs to hire journalists with stronger scientific backgrounds.

FM radio was considered a luxury.

2006-05-02T08:06:00.000-06:00

This response is worth a post.

-----Original Message-----
From: Reis
Sent: Saturday, April 29, 2006 9:18 PM
To: Opie
Subject: ford tempo - a collector's item

Today driving through Wisconsin I was confronted with a Ford Tempo – the same body style as the one you had in high school. It had collector’s plates. It was in the same condition it probably was in when it left the factory. This begs a few obvious questions.

1) Are we now so old that cars we owned in high school are eligible for collector plates?
2) In the name of all that is good, who would collect a Ford Tempo?
3) Why would you lovingly preserve a Tempo?

Any thoughts on these sacred mysteries, please feel free to write back.

I’m telling you, the thing was immaculate. It’s like someone purchased it, put in a garage, ran the engine once in a while, and that’s it until today.

Reis.

-----Original Message-----
From: Opie
Sent: Saturday, May 1, 2006 7:10 PM
To: Reis
Subject: Re: ford tempo - a collector's item

Reis,

Being a former owner of one of these automotive beasts, I feel that I can share from my personal experiences with this vehicle. I will respond in a point by point fashion to your questions, with the possibility of adding sub-lists to the over arching point by point structure. I will also use questionable grammar. Whether this a volitional literary choice or simply an out-working of my grammatical ignorance, I will leave for you to decide.

1) Are we now so old that cars we owned in high school are eligible for collector plates?

The Wisconsin rules for collector plates require that the vehicles be >= 20 years old (please note that >= means greater than or equal to and not a sad emoticon, nor half a de-decapitated man (or woman) laying on his back [or front {but it is definitely not a decapitated woman laying on her back because that would look like this >=3}] ) and my Tempo was made in 1987. I know that the '86 model was very similar to the '87. In fact, the Tempo did not undergo a major redesign until the early 1990's. So, to answer you concisely, yes Reis, you are old. To answer less concisely, yes, the cold hand of time is perpetually dragging you mercilessly to states of ever greater decay until your inevitable demise. Deal with it. While your at it, you might want to deal with any nasal hair issues you have.

2) In the name of all that is good, who would collect a Ford Tempo?

I think that the allure of the Tempo is rooted in Ford's refusal to compromise on either the performance or styling of the vehicle at any point. As a result, the consumer did not have to decide whether to sacrifice power for fuel economy nor styling for safety because it had none of the above. Since capitulation is easier than optimization, the Tempo was left to embody systematic sub-par design--the complete crap package as it were. To improve any individual part of the car would only serve to highlight deficiencies in all other aspects of the design defeating the marketing strategy "Blinded by Mediocrity". An idiocy whose time had come. Spurred by fear of Japanese economic dominance, as demonstrated by such popular movies as "Gung Ho", Americans thought it was their patriotic duty to purchase large, clearly inferior products, and the Tempo fit the bill. After purchase, the immediate predictable yet uncontrollable deterioration of the vehicle with use resulted in the development of unique "features"--in addition to amenities such as passenger accessible windshield wiper control. My car had such "features" as the inability to complete a left-hand turn without stalling on days with greater than 75% relative humidity, the ability to burn oil/oil additives at rates comparable to modern refineries, and what I like to term the specialty "rust package". As each owner learned how to overcome these ever developing life-threatening tendencies, like randomly staling at speeds greater than 55 mph, in their particular car, they would start a vicious cycle. The car would deteriorate to the point that only one person would know all the peculiarities to drive it semi-safely. So the owner could not sell it out of fear of prosecution for negligence, yet could not afford to buy another car. This is the mechanism of forced pair bonding with the Tempo. So Chris, what you witnessed was not the relationship between an object and a collector, but the outworking of a intricate, natural, long-standing relationship based on fear and respect between a man and his car. A relationship that, despite its loving nature, will never be legally recognized, and which will never be allowed to adopt children, which is probably best considering the obvious safety issued raised above.

3) Why would you lovingly preserve a Tempo?

Insanity. Stay away from these people. They are dangerous deviant degenerates. Your only advantage in confronting these people is that tetanus induced lock-jaw from rust-filled regular maintance prevents them from being able to bite. (Side note: This is why Tempos are amongst the lowest rated vehicles in Vampire Consumer Reports and Automotive Zombie Weekly.)

Opie

Will everyone please stop dating psychos...

2006-05-01T09:44:00.000-06:00

Below is an excerpt from an advice column.

"Last spring I met and dated a nice young man, and when he broke up with me a few months later, I was hurt ... I think that the reason that it ended was because I'm kind of a downer, have weird issues with sex, and am generally a bit hateful."

My question is how did a hateful, wet blanket of a person with weird sexual issues get a boyfriend, unless her main sexual issue was nymphomania that is.

Bionic Tongues

2006-04-26T08:21:00.000-06:00

I found this on Slate.

The military is developing "Brain Ports" to enable soldiers to see with their tongues. The idea is to route audio or video signals (from a helmet-mounted camera, for example) through microelectrodes in the tongue so your brain receives these extra images without distracting your eyes, ears, or hands from immediate tasks. "In testing, blind people found doorways, noticed people walking in front of them and caught balls." Applications: Rear vision, night vision, sonar. The navy will watch the technology in action next month and consider whether to fast-track it so it's operational by the end of the year.

I have heard of electrodes being implanted in the eyes of the blind which can send signals to the brain that the brain can then translate into an "image". But, this tongue port thing is new. I am hoping they go ahead and make that a WiFi compatible port. Putting signal wires into one's mouth seems mildly shocking , speech impeding, as well as drool inducing and the last thing we need is a navy full of sparkily, lispy sailors drooling on each other.

Culinary Math

2006-04-21T18:12:00.000-06:00

Inspired by a cooking mishap. I was wondering why egg tastes so different from chicken considering they are essentially the same thing. The best explanation I could come up with is that you need to add some time and chicken feed to a fertilized egg to get a chicken as illustrated by the equation below;

Egg + Corn + Time = Chicken

Because of Time-Temperature superposition we know that;

Time = Heat

By combining these equation we get;

Egg + Corn + Heat = Chicken

QED

Simply by following the math, I am suggesting that cooking eggs with corn will resulting a dish that tastes like chicken.

Addendum: Some have raise the point that there should be a shifting constant, so the equation should look like;

Egg + Corn + Heat + Constant = Chicken

I concede that this is technically the more appropriate formulation, but I argue that the shifting factor changes the intensity of the flavor but not the overall character of the chicken flavor , so though it is practically important for the exact construction of the chicken flavor is not theoretically critical.

I do not age gracefully...

2006-04-20T09:26:00.000-06:00

Twenty seven is a painful age to be turning because it means I'm leaving my mid-twenties and entering my late-twenties. I usually pass these particular celebrations of decay more than mildly drunk. Last year, I challenged a 350lb friend to a drink off. In that he is more than twice my weight this was an interesting proposition. Despite the obvious disadvantage, I drank him to a truce 2 84oz pitchers of margarita, 4 long island ice teas, 2 seven and sevens, 2 amaretto sours, 2 rum runners, and 1 jack and coke later. Much dancing was had by all and much falling was had by me. When I awoke and could leave my bed the next day (~3:00p.m.), I found the furniture in my apartment completely rearranged and wreaking of cooked egg. Mind you I don't remember moving the furniture nor cooking eggs, but there was definitive evidence that I had tried to put on a drunken knock-off of Martha Stewart Living. Anyway, not so much this year. I'm to busy for such things right now, but maybe this weekend...

Cutting the Apron Strings

2006-04-12T07:46:00.000-06:00

I realize that there are all kinds of interpersonal dynamics out there, but this one from craigslist seems a little odd.

Looking for a sugar-daddy - 36

I'm not judging the concept of a sugar-daddy nor the idea of being "generous", but at 36 should not this fellow be a sugar-daddy. If you were born before/during the Ford administration, you need to start coming terms with the fact that you are not looking for a sugar-daddy. You are looking for a john.

Flaming Gnome Sex

2006-04-10T17:01:00.000-06:00

Surfing Nerve I found this excerpt.

Hallgerdur HallgrÃmsdÃ³ttir lost interest in sex three years ago. Clarification: Sex with people. This twenty-one-year-old Icelander is smitten with screwing elves. The Icelandic Tourist Board just awarded her approximately $3,000 to pay for publishing and distributing her book on the subject, Please YoursELF, because "they thought it would attract tourists to come" as it were "to Iceland." - David Sokol

I thought this concept was insane, but then I checked the visitor count on her site. If the masses want writings about amazing sex with mythical creatures instead of rather mundane analysis of pop science news, low level international cultural misunderstandings, and travel adventures who am I not to deliever. His name was Thomas. He was a gnome, but don't let the lack of stature fool you. He's a grower and I'm not just talking about in the garden. Now I don't like to kiss and tell, but it was awesome. The hands, the beard, the common everyday lawn-care tools. Good gawd, who knew you could do that with a rake and hoe. Now all you have to do is wait for the midwest states to give me ~$3000 as an advance to pubilsh these memoirs to get the full story of this torrid love affair. To be honest, it was more physical than a true spiritual/emotional connection, but isn't that how it always is with mythical woodland creatures. But I prefer that to the reclusive mountain dweller always who always seem to cum then cry - that's right Yeti, I'm talking about you. It's called Zoloft. Give it a try.

If I get a spike in visitors after this, I'm going to puke.

Not so hidden motives

2006-04-08T15:54:00.000-06:00

Here is another craigslist find.

looking for a date, maybe more. 23 m student here. older welcome

That nude photo you posted with this message makes me think you are not looking for a meeting of the souls, but rather that something more of which you speak. By the way with a nude photo, you don't have to tell me your gender. I'm just saying if you want to optimize your key strokes, I can figure it out.

Holy Crap...

2006-04-08T09:03:00.000-06:00

I am no infectious disease expert, but this article states,

"At 40 percent, Baltimore has the highest percentage of HIV-positive [gay] men among its population in a study of five cities, with San Francisco second, according to a 2005 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention study."

Will somebody please tell me that this is not right. How does that happen. I am shocked when I read about areas of South Africa where up to 25% of the adult population has HIV, let alone 40% of a particular poopulation. And those are only the people who know their infected. How does this happen in the first world. We know this how this disease is transmitted, and with minor effort it is mostly preventable. The CDC states that the infection rate for anal sex is 0.5% or a 1 in 200 chance of infection per act, while oral sex is 0.0001% or 1 in 10,000. So, it's not like 40% of the population had a one night lapse of judgement. There had to have been a systematic disregard for basic safety in an epidemic. I'm at a loss. If you want to kill yourself why do it slowly?

Good gracious, I hope my grandmother never reads this. I sound like an obsessive compulsive sex fiend. I am not grandma. Don't worry, I've been good.

On the one hand....

2006-04-07T21:33:00.000-06:00

I almost burned down the lab. On the other hand, I finally get to go home. It's 9:30p.m., and I arrived slight before 7:00 a.m. I'm beginning to hate Fridays.

Beware of Super Ova

2006-04-07T19:19:00.000-06:00

I just got done trying to convince a Korean colleague that he should not call his new molecular system "Supramolecular Sperm-like Self-Assemblies". Though the alliteration is awesome, I suggested tadpole-like as a descriptor. So if you run across an article talking about supramolecular sperm, you know I failed.

(As a side note, I got knocked out of my fifth grade spelling bee by the word tadpole. Spelling has never been a strong suit. Good gravy make the alliterations stop.)

Women: You can't beat them!

2006-04-07T09:43:00.000-06:00

I got this email today.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Join us for the first-annual Walk a Mile in Her Shoes! Stop by to show your support and stay to make history. Men from our University and community will walk one mile in women's high-heeled shoes through campus to protest rape, sexual assault and gender violence.

Can't we as a gender be against sexual assault without drag? I prefer to keep my protest against any form of violence slightly more subtle.

(Side Note: The post title comes from an actual violence against women awarenesss campaign, so is not a sign of insensitivity to the issue.)

Nerve Redux

2006-04-06T11:08:00.000-06:00

This week Nerve is featuring sex advice from scientists. Being able to identify with this particular profession, unlike other weeks, I posted some of my favorite responses below.

What scientific term sounds the most sexual?
HOMO — Highest Occupied Molecular Orbital.

Which scientific term is most sexual?
I once saw a talk about ribosome structure called Probing the Exit Tunnel.

Are you asked out constantly?
I was assistant-teaching an engineering course, and on my teacher's evaluations I got comments that had very little to do with teaching.

Such as?
"Wear shorter skirts."

What's the best way to get a scientist to go home with you?
Being an editor of Nature helps. Failing that, just claim to be an editor of Nature.

Revenge of Angela Lansbury

2006-04-06T06:37:00.000-06:00

The smoking gun has a copy of the search warrant issued to gain access to one of the Duke Lacrosse player's apartments. He had sent a creepy email about getting off while killing strippers the night of the alleged rape, drawing suspicion on himself. In the warrant was a list of things that the police would be looking for. Item 8 is "copies of emails that have sentences punctuated with two periods." Now I'm no detective, but why would you limit yourself to sentences punctuated with two periods? I realize the original email had sentences with two periods, but why not get legal copies of all the emails? Maybe the guilt causing him to write a confessional email also drove him to atone for his grammatical sins by using correct punctuation, but the police would not be able to get it. Clearly, Murder She Wrote should be mandatory viewing in the police academy.

Egotistical View of the World: Part II

2006-04-05T16:18:00.000-06:00

I would like to think that my hard hitting article influenced this.

Getting Better not Older

2006-04-04T15:20:00.000-06:00

While walking around campus during a freshman orientation day, people kept asking me if I had been separated from my orientation group. In that this was a good natured question, I would politely say no and move on. Admittedly, I have a young looking face which gets me carded at bars, casinos, movie theaters, and once, even at a bank. This has lead to certain amusing incidents including having to convince a fey fellow trying to bed me, a presumed underage "club kid," with his vast worldly experience of the fact that I had him by a good five years. The wisdom of your average 21 year-old appears quite dim from the view-point of your average 26 year-old. This point became more pointed this weekend as a friend found old photographs of five years ago when we had just met. I actually looked demonstrably younger, which was a point of amazement to many others. I'm surprised anyone let me buy the massive quantities of alcohol I consumed in my early twenties. In relating the stories behind the pictures, I proudly realized how naive I was. I make it a point each year to recall the person I was 5 years previously. If I can honestly be amazed at my own ignorance at the time, then I know I am continuing to grow and not atrophy. Which is thankfully still and hopeful will continue to be the case.

March

2006-03-31T17:51:00.000-06:00

I am just glad this month is over. I have been dreading the endless travel and obscene workload for months. This weekend I get to do simple mind numbing work like cleaning the apartment and changing my break pads. Domestication wears well on me. All I need is a spouse to support my extravagent lifestyle, and I could totally be kept.

Ultimate Reality

2006-03-16T18:00:00.000-06:00

As a standing member of APS, one is entitled to the airing of ones ideas in either presentation or poster form. Mainstream concepts are usually given presentation time while more eclectic views of the world are often relegated to poster sessions, which are equivalent to a cattle call in modeling. So, it is amusing to past the time by wandering the halls of the poster sessions trying to find that one poster that unconventionally crystallizes some aspect of physics for you. I found this year's winner on the first day. The conclusions are listed below.

Water + Chicken + Salt = Chicken Soup

Quantum Mechanics + Baryon Particles + Will of God = Ultimate Reality

That clears it up. No questions here.

Physicist Types

2006-03-15T17:48:00.000-06:00

I am currently at the American Physical Society (APS) meeting in Baltimore MD. For those outside the society we changed our public name to the American Physics Society to avoid confusion. Confusion with what, I don't know. I guess some sexual innuendo, but as soon as you step into an APS meeting you have no doubt that nothing physical is going on. In fact the place looks depressingly stereotypical. Older, larger gentlemen lumbering through the halls saying things like, "Is this truly fundamental", "You may not remember but I discovered this in 1957," and "That seafood is not sitting well with me". Geeky, mis-matched graduate students swarming well know names while ignoring each other. Professionally dressed individuals from corporations trying not to look like they got left behind. It is a wonder that anyone gets laid. I forget why I started this post, so I just going to end it here.

Somehow This Does Not Make Me Feel More Comfortable

2006-03-02T08:47:00.000-06:00

In doing more planet of the apes research, I found that work is being done to control animals, including monkeys, remotely through radio frequency triggered brain implants. Now this might stem my fear of apes rising and taking over the world, but it does nothing to reduce my fear of being controlled by a governmental brain implant. A private sector/extraterrestrial brain implant might be OK. It would be a case by case basis.

Planet of the Apes: Part Deux

2006-03-01T08:47:00.000-06:00

Scientists in Germany suspect cat had worst form of bird flu. [Breitbart]

I'm just saying don't teach the apes to read, or we are all screwed.

I will get an ape and name him Dr. Zeas

2006-02-28T12:47:00.000-06:00

The BBC has reported,

A domestic cat in Germany has become the first European Union mammal to die of the deadly H5N1 strain of bird flu.

Isn't a pet pandemic how the planet of the apes got started. I call dibs on the moniker "Bright Eyes." Actually, that used to be a nickname of mine, so I am ready for the inevitable rise of the apes.

Gross

2006-02-27T21:44:00.000-06:00

I found this on Amazon.

Panasonic ER411NC Nose and Ear Hair Groomer
by Panasonic
Avg customer review:
Usually ships in 24 hours
Price: $15.99

3 used & new from $15.99

I can think of few more disturbing things than buying a used nose hair groomer.

More Craigslist Fetish Fun

2006-02-27T16:44:00.000-06:00

I'm a chubby guy in town this Friday to Sunday (3/3-3/5) looking for chub chasers or chub enthusiasts to hang out with and keep me company in or out of my hotel room. [craigslist]

I do not claim to be up with fetish lingo these days, but could someone please explain to me the technical difference between a chub chaser and chub enthusiast. The only thing that I can think of is that chub chasers like engaging in sexual relations with people of substantial girth while chub enthusiasts simply work for the advancement of chubby people. Like the NAACP, except the CP stands for chubby people.

More Evidence of Adoption

2006-02-22T16:15:00.000-06:00

While visiting the parents this weekend, my mother stares at me and starts talking about how my father, two brothers, and herself all have promienant Scot-Irish features. This list clearly includes everyone in my immediate family, but me. If there weren't copious evidence documenting my birth, I would take this as the final evidence needed to prove my adoption. Alas, no. I still could have been switched in the hospital though.

Sharks With Lasers on Their Heads

2006-02-22T14:00:00.000-06:00

I just found this article in the United Press International. It's terrible, either the author is completely ignorant of this topic, or the scientist are just looking for some publicity. I believe the former is true. I have completely copied and annotated the article below. The link is here.

Study: Oceans 70 percent shark-free

An international team of scientists says the absence of sharks from abyssal regions of the world's oceans may mean some species are in danger of extinction.

Were sharks previously in the abyssal region or was it just assumed they were there. If so, why would one expect a secret shark haven in the abyssal region.

The findings mean the world's oceans are about 70 percent shark-free, researchers said.

The next question is what percentage of the ocean is occupied by the abyssal region. My guess is about 70%, making the claim in the above sentence and the title of the article alarmist at best.

The oceans' abyssal zone remains in perpetual darkness at depths below 6,560 feet, with immense pressures of nearly five tons per square inch at its deepest.

Maybe these are reasons why besides over fishing that sharks aren't in the abyssal region!

It had been hoped that, as man explored deeper into the abyss, new shark species would be discovered.

I can hope to find new species in my closet, but that does not mean that their is any reason that I should actually expect to find them. In fact, 5 ton per square inch pressure, hell, 1 ton per square inch pressure is a pretty good reason not to expect to find new sharks.

Scientists do not know why sharks are absent from the deep, but suggest one possible reason might be a lack of food.

Maybe it has to do with the 5 ton per square inch pressure as well.

They warn their finding has environmental implications. Professor Monty Priede, director of Oceanlab at the University of Aberdeen in Scotland said: "Sharks are already threatened worldwide by the intensity of fishing activity, but our finding suggests they may be more vulnerable to over-exploitation than was previously thought."

Because they do not have a secret abyssal hide out, or because you believe that they have been hunted to the point where they do not need to occupy foodless, dark, high pressure areas of the ocean? From what I can tell you went to a very hostile environment where one would not expect to find sharks and you didn't. I do not think that finding is sufficient to support dramatic environmental claims.

The findings are published in the Proceedings of The Royal Society, Biological Series.

In that this is a good peer-reviewed journal, I am assuming the scientists did a much better job than what was communicated in this article. I blame a poorly trained, ill informed journalist.

Vintage Clothing

2006-02-22T13:44:00.000-06:00

I was in a vintage clothes store yesterday. While flipping through shirts, I came across the shirt I was wearing. Now, I had come from work, so it was a frumpy long sleeve button down that I had gotten from Lands End. I'm not sure whether that makes me hip for having identified a future icon of irony, or just sad because I'm one of the people that makes the shirt ironic.

Things That Should Die With 2005

2006-02-21T16:19:00.000-06:00

1. Pointless word modification
2. Words that end with the suffix -ista i.e. fashionista, barista, and evangelista (see above)
3. People writing/saying that they are opinionated, in your face, and/or real.
4. Couple name combos i.e. TomKat
5. Poorly executed irony

The Mixed Metaphors of My Life

2006-02-17T09:17:00.000-06:00

Why is it when I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, I start behaving like a deer caught in headlights?

Brandon Routh = Jason Schwartzman

2006-02-16T09:45:00.000-06:00

Clearly these two were separated at birth. Who can guess which one got the pretty genes while the other got the good personality genes.

Why to Never Have a Threesome With a Cellist

2006-02-16T07:40:00.000-06:00

Every Thursday Nerve publishes a sex advice column with the advice being given from people with unusual professions. Normally, mild hilarity ensues, but this time you just learn that cellists are dorky sex freaks. Now there is nothing wrong with being dorky, I myself often display my dork colors. I'm just saying that being a musician must really attract some very open minded accepting women. Examples are posted below.

My girlfriend has had a lot of threesomes; I've had none. I'd like to have one with her now, but I'm intimidated because I'm such a novice. What's the best way to go about this?

I must admit, I'm not a novice at this. Just remember that she too was once a novice, so she should be able to help you. Your curiousness and shyness could be a major attraction for her.

My girlfriend has had a lot of threesomes; I've had none. I'd like to have one with her now, but I'm intimidated because I'm such a novice. What can I do?

Is this with or without a cello?

Let's say no cello this time.

If it doesn't involve a cello, I don't know. The cello looks so much like a woman, sometimes I've had twosomes and been accused of having a threesome just because my cello was in the room.

My girlfriend has had a lot of threesomes; I never have. I'd like to have one with her now, but I'm intimidated because I'm such a novice. What can I do?

Start out by just watching. That'll help you get in the mood, and then when you feel comfortable, you can participate. Like if I were with a woman, and we were trying to make another man comfortable, if the woman liked being eaten out, I could do that and show him how turned on she was by it, and then say to him, "Wouldn't you like to try that?"

My boyfriend is into tying me up, but this does nothing for me. I want to do it to please him, though. How can I get into it?

I've done this. Have you ever heard of the Black Rose? It's a D.C.-area BDSM organization, similar to Janus on the West Coast or the Orange Beagle in New York. I've been on the board of directors. One thing that's stressed is negotiation. Just because you're a submissive doesn't mean you should be a doormat. You're entitled to ask for something. It could be a position you like or an activity you like. You should try to incorporate that. [Nerve]