Undergraduate Memories: Erma

Angie, a girl whom I first met because she drunkenly made-out with my roommate at a frat party and then felt the need break up with her boyfriend of five years in a three hour call on my phone, came up to me in the cafateria and blurted out, "I have found the perfect girl for you. You must let me arrange your marriage!"

Now, we had talked at most 3 times, and none of these conversations had raised my opinion of her, and she clearly had no idea what I was looking for.

Angie continued, "I told her about you and she loves all the things you have done plus she likes intellectuals." Just as I was starting to feel slicker from the buttering up, she said, "Her name is Erma!" Nothing good can come from an Erma. My stomach turned at the thought that this could only go down from here and we were starting so very low. Unfortunately Angie continued, "She has a winning personality!"

"So what is wrong with her?", I replied.

"Well, she's has a little bit of a wieght problem," then after grapping my hands Angie, all dowy eyed, said, "But she is only one or two.........hundred pounds heavier than I am."

"Exacly how much heavier."

"She's around 375 pounds," Angie replied, "She is also a little older than you".

"How much older."

"Erma has you by a good five years." Angie continued, "She also..uh....um.... doesn't shave her legs or her pits and um... she likes wearing skimpy clothes."

"Let me get this straight, you think the perfect person for me is an older, 375 pound, scantily clad, hairy woman named Erma." At this point everyone at the table is rolling on the floor with laughter. I continued, "Is there anything else I should know?"

"Well there.. is one mmmooorrreee thing. She is .......bi....sexual." Angie then quickly blurts out, "I think I'll bring her up to your apartment Monday. Make sure your wearing a wifebeater because that turns her on." Then she started to walk away.

"No, No she's not," I announce loudly, "I will never wear a wifebeater to try to turn on an older, 375 pound, scantily clad, hairy, bisexual woman named Erma," but Angie was ignoring me.
Monday rolled around and no one showed up at my door. I thought I was pretty lucky until I realized that I had just been stood up by an older, 375 pound, scantily clad, hairy, bisexual woman named Erma.

Addendum: Angie has recently recieved a Ph.D. with a thesis focus in Human Sexuality. I know that she had a lot of practice in undergrad, but practice does not always make perfect, so beware of her advice!