Battle Chess Was Much Cooler

While waiting for a table at a restaurant, a friend and I went next door to a coffee shop, and noticed a chess board was set out for people to use. I not having played since elementary school with my father and he since high school, sat down for a match to the death/or until the restaurant called my cell phone. This sparked the curiosity of patrons who then started gathering around to watch. Now, it is one thing to display one's only child-like competence in an game to a friend. It is completely different to expose it to a room full of strangers. Unfortunately, the restaurant called only after the on-looker's caffeine altered interest became glares of disgust. Let me tell you, nothing complements a free basket of nachos and salsa better than humble pie.

I Think I Know What He Was Washing Up From

The porntastic neighbor, while in the shower, had a halogen light fall onto his mattress catching it on fire and burning his apartment down. To put out the fire, the firemen knocked out my ceiling rendering the apartment unlivable. Although my apartment suffered no fire damage, the smoke damage was extensive. I understand minor disasters have a way of opening up more of one's life to the outside world than normal, and having every book, magazine, and article of underwear I own cataloged by cleaning companies for insurance purposes, has lead to a level of official exposure that I'm not used to. Not that it is entirely uncomfortable, but it is unusual. Simultaneously, I am quite glad that unlike my neighbor, I do not have to catalogue a massive porn collection and argue that the replacement value for the director's special edition set of lesbian spank inferno I, II, III is more than each title individually.

The Boss is in Taiwan, and I've Got Nothing Better to Do Than Write Email

> -----Original Message----->
From:Kelley
Sent: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 11:03 AM
To: Opie
Subject: We're pulling for you!

Opie,

"The well bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves." I don't think Oscar Wilde ever had to defend a dissertation, but the advice goes a long way. Hope this finds you well and full of confidence. If you need anything at all, don't hesitate to ask.


Happy Thanksgiving,
Love,

Kelley


On Tue, 21 Nov 2006 11:53:50 -0500,

"Opie" wrote:

Kelley,

Well, I defended Nov. 9, so I am officially Dr. Obadiah Jessen. I turned in my dissertation yesterday, and I am just waiting on the final format approval. So, I am just sitting here playing video games waiting for the conformation email.

That little snippet made the process sound easy, but needless to say it wasn't. My porntatstic neighbor burned down his apartment on 10/24 leaving me rather homeless 2 weeks before the defense. My stuff only suffered smoke damage, but it all still needs to be cleaned. His insurance refused the claim, so it has to go on my insurance. Now, I am living in a refugee apartment with my card table, two folding chairs, and an inflatable mattress. It must look really bad because when my insurance adjuster stopped by to take my statement, he offered me money to buy food. Anyway, I am now setting up appointments for restoration companies to clean all of my clothes and furniture. All of this was happening on top of the standard madness surrounding our research center review, which is a whole mess of stories I do not even want to get into. I hope things have been going more smoothly for you.

Dr. Opie


On Tue, 21 Nov 2006 13:33:56 -0500,

"Kelley" wrote:

Dr. O-

That was the BEST email i have received in a long time.
Though it's not a contest, things are actually not going more smoothly here: unless you call having to find a new job in a hurry a good thing...and having america's most wanted arrested a block away from your house, and having two (more) clients kill each other in your yard, and having BOTH secretaries delivering their babies at work...all in the past two days. Although, none of those things will cause lung cancer, so we'll call it even. Thanksgiving can't come fast enough.

From experience, I'm sure the insurance settlement will be fine, in fact, maybe fabulous. It bodes well for you that you were sleeping on the floor. Ah, the stories you'll have for your grandkids...as you're sailing on your yacht...What is your new mailing address if say one should send you a hot meal or a clean pair of pants. I can't stress it enough- you are my new favorite tv show. I can't wait to hear what will happen next.


keep on truckin'

kelley


On Tue, 21 Nov 2006 15:12:23 -0500,

"Opie" wrote:

Kelley,

No, no you win. A week like the one described indicates that needing to find a new job and leave that mess of a city behind in a hurry is an excellent turn of events. That is unless you like puzzles such as which flowers go best with the chalk lines in the front yard, and how best could the linen closet be converted into a panic room. I will say my life is sometimes like a t.v. show, but at least it is not a CSI spin-off.


~O

There is No Business Like Show Business

Unexpectedly, my boss came in and told me and two of my colleagues to get into the lab. A TV commercial was scheduled to be shot, so "actors" needed to be conscripted. I would like to think I was chosen for my natural photogenic qualities, but it was probably because I did not look busy. I had a small but integral role as loader of sample into the X-ray diffractometer. It was demanding. I had to bring all of my 4.5 years of training to the role when after the 10 secs of scripted business, the camera stayed on me. I had to improvise the next 45 secs of the start-up procedure. People say improvisation is hard, I think not. So if you live in the Midwest and see a commercial with x-ray equipment, I'm the non-Chinese one in the blue shirt.

Side note: I am currently waiting for a craigslist missed connections posting for "Sample loader with the ass that will not quit- m4m- 29" from the production assistant. So if for some reason I appear to be staring off screen, you know who I was looking at.

Christmas Plan

My family is not close in the traditional sense. If anyone needs help, we are all more than willing to contribute as we can. But I am O.K. with the fact that I talk to my older brother three times a year including Thanksgiving and Christmas, and that I talk to my younger brother about five times a year. We do not involve each other in day-to-day issues, but keep up on big picture/life altering events i.e. weddings, new children, major illness, etc. This only becomes a problem during the gift giving holidays. The obvious solution to expressing one's love for each other without wanting any intimate details has been the gift card. Upsetting the happy balance we have struck, my mother has stated that she is tired of exchanging gift certificates for Christmas and is forcing the issue. She has been pushing us to develop a new Chrismas tradition. The ideas submitted thus far are listed below.

1. Petty Crime Exchange where we all write one small crime (a.k.a. slashing a set of tires, "quieting" a noisy dog) and place it in the hat and we each draw one crime that helps another with a maximum 5 year jail term (me)
2. Going around a nieghborhood carolling Nine Inch Nails songs (younger brother)
3. Seeing Joseph and the Techno Colored Dream Coat (mother)
4. Burning Disliked Friends and Neighbors in Effigy on their door step (father)
5. Adopting a needy family (younger Sister-in-law)

After heated discussion about these options, she decided to table the issue for a while.

I Am Talking About That Other Burning Feeling

I noticed at some point during the day that I wasn't experiencing the searing hate I have been feeling at the office. Thinking about it, I realized I did not come into work Sunday. Stringing that time together with the time I left on Saturday and the time before I came into the office today, I spent a total of 39 hours not at work. That is the most continuous time off I have had since very early in August. It is amazing what a full night's sleep will do for one's mood.

Detecting Your Pre-Homosexual Son

While at my parents' house, I found a book from the eighties called "Mothers & Sons" about parenting boys. In a chapter called something like "Homosexuality: Things Can Go Wrong Even In The Best Homes", it listed various signs that your son may be 'pre-homosexual' including if he is

1. Courteous
2. Overly Polite
3. Witty
4. Avoids large group competitions

And it stated that, if your son exhibits these characteristics he should be carefully watched and kept away from other boys exhibiting similar characteristics. Is it me or, excluding number 4, are these not also characteristics for well behaved children.

Dr. Jessen

It's official. I passed my doctoral dissertation defense this afternoon, so now I'm Dr. Obadiah Jessen. My parents called this afternoon, and my father would not stop referring to me as Dr. Jessen. It was simultaneously endearing and annoying the way that only small children and parents can be. Anyway, I am hoping to be able to post more regularly again. When spending 16 hours a day writing, reading, and making presentation slides, it is hard to take an hour break and write some more.