Creating New Frontiers in the Wrong Way

I was looking at a map of alumni job placements from my program when I noticed it had a couple imaginary islands/continents. The big obvious one in the Pacific Ocean tipped me off. It does not bode well for my program nor my future when the administration either misses huge errors on a map given out for publicity or thinks it can create land masses at will. At least no one is claiming to work on these mythic isles.

Academic Bender

In that I got my Ph.D. dissertation defense date set, I figured that it might be a good idea to actually start writing the dissertation. After obsessing about the fundamental concepts and nuanced out workings of my topic, reading a stack of journal articles taller than your average third grader, and editing five other dissertations in various unrelated areas, I thought this would go smoothly, but alas, not so much. All I need are the phrases "I Heart Molecules" and "Tommy has Cuties" for this dissertation to read like the scrawled note of an ADHD addled school girl. Who knew that the simple act of regurgitating your work over the past four years in an organized sensible manner would be so painful. No wait, regurgitate = puke, like after an alcohol fueled bender. Ah, there is the connection. Sorry about the rant. Please return to your normal duties. I have an academic hang-over to clear-up.

Universal Safety Signage for People of Western Descent Who Have Heard of the Parable of the Tortoise and Hare

Behind the Learning Curve

What bothers me most about this NYT graph of I.E.D.s in Iraq is that as the number of I.E.D devices deployed increases the number of I.E.D. devices safely found stays relatively constant. This not only indicates that the insurgency's production capacity is steadily increasing, but additionally implies that either the insurgency is learning and adapting deployment tactics faster than coalition forces can effectively respond or there is some saturated maximum capacity at which the coalition can find and destroy I.E.D.s. Either dynamic has disastrous consequences for trying to gain control in Iraq.

The Difficult Lives of Handicap Parking Meters

Spotted on the way to work.

An Open Letter to Benji

Dear Benji,

Congratulations on your win, but could you please stop weeping uncontrollably. Once is OK. Three times in one season is a bit overboard with the emotion. You make even Mia seem positively stoic in comparison.

Sincerely,
Opie

P.S. I saw your parents weeping uncontrollably as well suggesting that this may be a genetic condition. If so, please ignore the previous request.

So You Think You Can Dance

I read this article in EW where the So You Think You Can Dance finalist are interviewed. They did OK until asked who they thought would win.

TRAVIS: I think Benji will win. He has the young-girl vote. If this was a true dance contest, I think I would win, but it is a personality/likability contest as well as a dance talent contest.

Travis, way to both identify the problem, likability, and reinforce your unlikability by stating infront of the other competitors that you are clearly better than they are.

But, Benji is not helping the cause.

BENJI: Every member of the final four deserves it. If it can't be me, I have to pick Heidi — because she's my cousin, for crying out loud! She has been my dance partner for 17 years.

You do not need to remind us of the creepy cousin chemistry. Latent desire to inbreed is not "likable", it is West Virginian. Anyway Travis was right, despite evidence of incest, Benji will win.

Quote of the Day: From the Wife of an International Colleague

Wife: "Opie, you are too nice. Which means are either evil, and trying to take advantage of people, or dumb... and I don't really think you're evil."

Opie: "Thanks... please, don't let me stop you from leaving"

Will You Please Stop Crying About Your Dead Twin Brother

Below is a quick advice column excerpt.

My fiance, "Ken," has a 10-year-old son whom he loves very much. The only problem is that he isn't sure "David" is his. .... There is a very real chance David is not Ken's biological son. David becomes brokenhearted and tearful when this is discussed. [Slate]

Who intentionally tells their fiance's son that he may be a fatherless bastard and then writes an advice columnist about how to deal with the emotional child and what to do if the fiance's son actually is a fatherless bastard?

Blog Confessional: Where Sin are Aired and Forgiven

I taught my 2.5 year-old nephew that octopuses say "moo". He and my sister-in-law were putting together a cartoon barnyard puzzle, and she had him saying the noises that each of the barn animals made. When she left the room, he brought an ocean puzzle over to do with him. As we started piecing it together, his pointed to the octopus and asked what it said. I stared blankly at him for a moment trying, as a good uncle, to figure out how to explain to a 2.5 year-old that octpuses can't really speak when I decided to screw it and said "moo". So if he misses some crazy baah is to sheep as moo is to ... analogy question on his SAT's which prevents him from attending a good university and getting a good job, I will take the blame. If you were wondering, fish say cluck (Tuna = chicken of the sea ), and whales say oink (with all that blubber, whales are fatties).