I will get an ape and name him Dr. Zeas

The BBC has reported,

A domestic cat in Germany has become the first European Union mammal to die of the deadly H5N1 strain of bird flu.

Isn't a pet pandemic how the planet of the apes got started. I call dibs on the moniker "Bright Eyes." Actually, that used to be a nickname of mine, so I am ready for the inevitable rise of the apes.

Gross

I found this on Amazon.

Panasonic ER411NC Nose and Ear Hair Groomer
by Panasonic
Avg customer review:
Usually ships in 24 hours
Price: $15.99

3 used & new from $15.99

I can think of few more disturbing things than buying a used nose hair groomer.

More Craigslist Fetish Fun

I'm a chubby guy in town this Friday to Sunday (3/3-3/5) looking for chub chasers or chub enthusiasts to hang out with and keep me company in or out of my hotel room. [craigslist]

I do not claim to be up with fetish lingo these days, but could someone please explain to me the technical difference between a chub chaser and chub enthusiast. The only thing that I can think of is that chub chasers like engaging in sexual relations with people of substantial girth while chub enthusiasts simply work for the advancement of chubby people. Like the NAACP, except the CP stands for chubby people.

More Evidence of Adoption

While visiting the parents this weekend, my mother stares at me and starts talking about how my father, two brothers, and herself all have promienant Scot-Irish features. This list clearly includes everyone in my immediate family, but me. If there weren't copious evidence documenting my birth, I would take this as the final evidence needed to prove my adoption. Alas, no. I still could have been switched in the hospital though.

Sharks With Lasers on Their Heads

I just found this article in the United Press International. It's terrible, either the author is completely ignorant of this topic, or the scientist are just looking for some publicity. I believe the former is true. I have completely copied and annotated the article below. The link is here.

Study: Oceans 70 percent shark-free

An international team of scientists says the absence of sharks from abyssal regions of the world's oceans may mean some species are in danger of extinction.

Were sharks previously in the abyssal region or was it just assumed they were there. If so, why would one expect a secret shark haven in the abyssal region.

The findings mean the world's oceans are about 70 percent shark-free, researchers said.

The next question is what percentage of the ocean is occupied by the abyssal region. My guess is about 70%, making the claim in the above sentence and the title of the article alarmist at best.

The oceans' abyssal zone remains in perpetual darkness at depths below 6,560 feet, with immense pressures of nearly five tons per square inch at its deepest.

Maybe these are reasons why besides over fishing that sharks aren't in the abyssal region!

It had been hoped that, as man explored deeper into the abyss, new shark species would be discovered.

I can hope to find new species in my closet, but that does not mean that their is any reason that I should actually expect to find them. In fact, 5 ton per square inch pressure, hell, 1 ton per square inch pressure is a pretty good reason not to expect to find new sharks.

Scientists do not know why sharks are absent from the deep, but suggest one possible reason might be a lack of food.

Maybe it has to do with the 5 ton per square inch pressure as well.

They warn their finding has environmental implications. Professor Monty Priede, director of Oceanlab at the University of Aberdeen in Scotland said: "Sharks are already threatened worldwide by the intensity of fishing activity, but our finding suggests they may be more vulnerable to over-exploitation than was previously thought."

Because they do not have a secret abyssal hide out, or because you believe that they have been hunted to the point where they do not need to occupy foodless, dark, high pressure areas of the ocean? From what I can tell you went to a very hostile environment where one would not expect to find sharks and you didn't. I do not think that finding is sufficient to support dramatic environmental claims.

The findings are published in the Proceedings of The Royal Society, Biological Series.

In that this is a good peer-reviewed journal, I am assuming the scientists did a much better job than what was communicated in this article. I blame a poorly trained, ill informed journalist.

Vintage Clothing

I was in a vintage clothes store yesterday. While flipping through shirts, I came across the shirt I was wearing. Now, I had come from work, so it was a frumpy long sleeve button down that I had gotten from Lands End. I'm not sure whether that makes me hip for having identified a future icon of irony, or just sad because I'm one of the people that makes the shirt ironic.

Things That Should Die With 2005

1. Pointless word modification
2. Words that end with the suffix -ista i.e. fashionista, barista, and evangelista (see above)
3. People writing/saying that they are opinionated, in your face, and/or real.
4. Couple name combos i.e. TomKat
5. Poorly executed irony

The Mixed Metaphors of My Life

Why is it when I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, I start behaving like a deer caught in headlights?

Brandon Routh = Jason Schwartzman

Clearly these two were separated at birth. Who can guess which one got the pretty genes while the other got the good personality genes.

Why to Never Have a Threesome With a Cellist

Every Thursday Nerve publishes a sex advice column with the advice being given from people with unusual professions. Normally, mild hilarity ensues, but this time you just learn that cellists are dorky sex freaks. Now there is nothing wrong with being dorky, I myself often display my dork colors. I'm just saying that being a musician must really attract some very open minded accepting women. Examples are posted below.

My girlfriend has had a lot of threesomes; I've had none. I'd like to have one with her now, but I'm intimidated because I'm such a novice. What's the best way to go about this?

I must admit, I'm not a novice at this. Just remember that she too was once a novice, so she should be able to help you. Your curiousness and shyness could be a major attraction for her.

My girlfriend has had a lot of threesomes; I've had none. I'd like to have one with her now, but I'm intimidated because I'm such a novice. What can I do?

Is this with or without a cello?

Let's say no cello this time.

If it doesn't involve a cello, I don't know. The cello looks so much like a woman, sometimes I've had twosomes and been accused of having a threesome just because my cello was in the room.


My girlfriend has had a lot of threesomes; I never have. I'd like to have one with her now, but I'm intimidated because I'm such a novice. What can I do?

Start out by just watching. That'll help you get in the mood, and then when you feel comfortable, you can participate. Like if I were with a woman, and we were trying to make another man comfortable, if the woman liked being eaten out, I could do that and show him how turned on she was by it, and then say to him, "Wouldn't you like to try that?"

My boyfriend is into tying me up, but this does nothing for me. I want to do it to please him, though. How can I get into it?

I've done this. Have you ever heard of the Black Rose? It's a D.C.-area BDSM organization, similar to Janus on the West Coast or the Orange Beagle in New York. I've been on the board of directors. One thing that's stressed is negotiation. Just because you're a submissive doesn't mean you should be a doormat. You're entitled to ask for something. It could be a position you like or an activity you like. You should try to incorporate that. [Nerve]

Color Quiz

This is an odd personality test. The results read like a cross between Jung and a Chinese fortune cookie, but the first two are vague enough to be creepily true. The rest is crap.

Obadiah Jessen's Existing Situation

The situation is difficult and he is trying to persist in his objectives against resistance. Finds it necessary to conceal his intentions as an added precaution, in order to disarm the opposition.

Obadiah Jessen's Stress Sources

Unfulfilled hopes have lead to uncertainty and a tense watchfulness. Insists on freedom of action and resents any form of control other than which is self-imposed. Unwilling to go without or to relinquish anything and demands security as a protection against any further setback or loss of position or prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads him to exaggerate his claims and to refuse reasonable compromises.

Obadiah Jessen took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feel..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Kinsey Redux

I don't really know how to comment on this recent reanalysis of Alfred Kinsey's data, but I like the results.

A Veritable Buffet of Toxicity

A list of the toxic gases I accidentally inhaled today

1. Boron Trifluoro Diethyl Etherate
2. Ozone
3. Ammonia Chloride

A list of symptoms

1. Respiratory irritation
2. Sharp headache
3. Watering eyes

A list of the military services that I have to submit materials to that I was reminded of today

1. Naval
2. Air Force

As a trained professional chemist, I should have been able to deal with all of these in a competent manner, but alas, not so much. I guess this is what Tuesdays are for.

Impurities According to the Elemental Analysis of My 99.9985% Pure Silver

Aluminum, Berylium, Cadmium, Chromium, Iron, Potassium, Manganese, Nickel, Palladium, Antimony, Tellurium, Zinc, Arsenic, Bismuth, Cesium, Galium, Lanthanum, Molybdenum, Oxygen, Platinum, Selenium, Titanium, Zirconium, Boron, Carbon, Chlorine, Copper, Germanium, Lithium, Nitrogen, Phosphorus, Rhodium, Silicon, Thorium, Gold, Barium, Calcium, Cobalt, Fluorine, Indium, Magnesium, Sodium, Lead, Sulfur, Tin, Uranium

Sometimes I forget that no matter how pure something is (99.9985%) when you look at it close enough you can still make it appear to be a mess, and in this case, a slighly radioactive mess. Serioulsy what is with the uranium and thorium.

NYT + Math = Stupid Factoid

Recently The New York Times reported on a medical study that indicated taking anti-retroviral medication before engaging in risky behavior can reduce the transmission rate of the HIV virus by 90%. This is in and of itself is a very significant finding worthy of being reported in The New York Times, but they could not just leave it. To make the story punchier the article states that mathematical models indicate that implementing the usage of preventative anti-retrovirals in 90% of people engaging in risky behavior could drop the HIV transmission rate by 80%. This is an amazing result. It caused me to wonder how would one setup a model to dynamically follow the HIV transmission with varying parameters such as improved detection, increased risky behavior from better protection, etc. Then I realized the model.

90% reduction in transmission x 90% drug utilization = 81% reduced transmission

Stupid reporter. He called this simple calculation a mathematical model to add heft to what is essential a stab in the dark, and make the story sound more scientifically important. If I can find the story again I will link to it.

Can You Tell I'm Still a Little Bitter About This

Sent: Tuesday, February 07, 2006 12:08 PM
To: Obadiah Jessen
Subject: pull up banner

Hi Opie: Do you recall using a pull up type banner on your last recruiting trip for Paul? I was trying to locate them and Paul suggested asking you. I appreciate your help.

Lisa

Coordinator of Academic Programs


Sent: Tuesday, February 07, 2006 12:26 PM
To: Bow, Lisa
Subject: RE: pull up banner

Yeah, I used them and had them shipped back, but I do not know where they got stored. It might be better that they are lost. There were several rather embarrassing misspellings on the banners, like the words organic and technology which as an institution specializing in organic science and technology I think we ought to be able to spell correctly. It was not like they were unnoticeable either. A number of people came up to me pointing out the misspellings. Although this did increase the number of people I talked to, it was hard to convert the initial interest in incompetence to positive talking points about our program. But if I had to guess where they were, I would say they are in the storage closet.

Have a good day,

Opie


Sent: Tuesday, February 07, 2006 12:38 PM
To: Obadiah Jessen
Subject: RE: pull up banner

Thanks for all your help.

Lisa

How I Realized I Lost Various Appendages

In a press conference, the woman who received the face transplant recalls first noticing that she was minus one face.

"When I woke up, I tried to light a cigarette and didn't understand why it wouldn't stay between my lips. That's when I saw the pool of blood and the dog beside it." [Slate]

Now, I am not privy to all the details around this case, but, how do you sleep through getting your face ripped of by a your pet Labrador retriever, and then wake up and still not notice any unusual pain in the facile area. The second question is what did she do to that dog to cause it to bite her face off. I mean labs are generally very friendly dogs. Finally, I wonder how many times she tried to put the cigarette in her non-existent mouth before she looked down at the puddle of blood.

This revelation has prompted me to list other unusually formulaic scenarios where one realizes one has lost a body part to various woodland creatures.

1. I went to stand up when I noticed my detached leg in a pool of blood next to a toad.

2. I went to lick some ice cream when I noticed my tongue on the ground by an innocent looking white tailed deer.

3. I went to breath when I noticed a pool of blood and a bunny ripping out my throat.

4. I went to shoot some heroin when I noticed my disembodied bloody arm next to a song bird.

Answers and Advice for People Who Did Not Ask For It But Still Need It

A craigslist missed connection,

We walked by each other and neither of us moved out of each others past. I thought you were rude, but then I saw your face slightly round you were about 5'6- 5'9" more of a medium build, and we exchanged a strange look. I went to the checkout fathest right of the store, and you came into that line and were looking at magazines. I thought you were a total jerk, but then realized I may have judged you wrongly, and missed out on meeting someone special. You didn't look like you were from OH. I had on a beige coat a huge bookbag, and had curly dark hair. [craigslist]

So, let me recap. Some guy ran into you, because both of you were stubborn and inconsiderate. He then looked at you strangely. He was short and chubby, but because he can read, you think he may be someone special. Then you describe yourself as the one dressed in the frumpy coat with that gawd awful book bag we sometimes refer to as the kidnapper's sack.

Advice and Answers: My guess is that when he bumped into you, he caught a whiff of the stench of desperation you are clearly giving off, hence the look of disgust. If you are tired of being alone, there are several things you can do. First, learn to write. The grammatical errors in the message above make it look like it was the written by a child. Nobody you want is going to find crayon scrawled messages sexy. Second, learn to be less judgmental. You did not get out of the way either. Third, buy better clothes. Beige screams boring. As a side note, you are probably extremely susceptible to Stockholm Syndrome, so avoid being abducted.

Apartment Complex at Night

Long Exposure Pictures of My City

All I Wanted to Make was a Four Assed Monkey

Cross-breeding humans and apes to make "Super Soldiers" and implanting ovaries from pigs and sheep into a woman to determine the affects on sexual preference. I think some soviet official accidently "lost" Stalin's biology book before he thought of crossing dolphins and elephants to make large naval battering rams.

The State of the Union is Strong....

Has any president actually said "As for the state of the union, all I can say is that we're screwed".

Because that would be awesome.