I Think We Have Some Muskets We Could Fire

U.S. Successfully Completes Missile Test

The Minuteman III dummy warheads were fired at 3:14 a.m. and traveled about 4,200 miles before hitting a water target in the Marshall Islands. [Breibart]

I'm not sure why this is news. These missiles are specified to have a range of 6,000-plus miles, so shooting them 4,200 miles is hardly a shocking and threatening demonstration of our military superiority. Oh wait, they were deployed in 1970 and production stopped in 1978, one year before I was born, so the news is that we have indisputably demonstrated that we can faithfully follow the maintenance schedule of 30 year-old weapons systems. Why demonstrate one's technical superiority when you can show one's ability to follow a checklist. Kind of sad.

Federally Funded Humor

-----Original Message-----
From: Aaron
Sent: Monday, July 29, 2006 7:30 PM
To: Chris; Barry; Opie; Eric
Subject: Just what the world needs...

Recently, we welcomed Ty into the world. Pam and Ty are at home and doing fine. We’re still working on adjusting to having no sleep (odd how you can get no sleep caring for someone who sleeps 13-15hrs a day).

Aaron

-----Original Message-----
From: Barry
Sent: Monday, July 29, 2006 9:12 PM
To: Chris
Cc: Eric; Opie
Subject: Re: Just what the world needs...

We had no idea Pam was pregnant. At least not from the male counterpart. Sue thought they were. She has a gift, I guess.

~ Barry

-----Original Message-----
From: Opie
Sent: Tuesday, July 30, 2006 8:41 AM
To: Barry; Chris
Cc: Eric
Subject: RE: Just what the world needs...

I had no idea either, but I would keep an eye on that Sue lady. I'm
assuming the last time she saw Pam was at Chris's wedding which would have
been ~3-4 months before conception. So, if Sue thought they were... Barry,
I'm just saying that you should only think very clean thoughts that's all.
That is unless Pam is 30.77% elephant (gestation period = 22 months), but I
did not notice her having unusually large feet, ears, or tusks. By the way,
since my salary is federally funded, your hard earned taxes dollars just
paid for that "humorous" factoid, so I suggest you savor what you just paid
for. I like to think of the federal government as "The Endowment for Opie Jessen to Advance Elephant/Pam Based Humor", and that factoid has been
TEOJAEPBH's greatest accomplishment ever!

Opie

An Old Fashion Stair Master

It is not that I minded climbing down then up the nine floors at work when the roofers caught the building on fire, but when it happened a second time in one hour, I was quite annoyed. Thank goodness for Right Guard.

Undue excitement

Average Bi Bottom! - 24 [Craigslist]

Uuummmm? I just don't think about using an exclamation point when writing about something being average. Craigslist seems to distort people's understanding of the exclamation point. Reading the post you find that

I am an average looking bi male looking for the same... I am 6 ft 250 blonde and blue and this is what I'm looking for... You should have an average or larger cock, be clean, somewhat attractive... prefer someone average looking. also, you must be discreet and preferably in a hetero relationship but not required. also an interest in crossdressing and trannys would be a plus but again, not required...

Let me state that a 250lb 6ft tall bisexual into crossdressing and trannies is not average, and the probability of finding another large, bisexual with a beard into crossdressing and trannies is extremely limited because it is not average. Sorry for raining on your parade.

Open Letter from Life to Michiganders

Dear Michiganders,

I was reading USA Today and stumbled across this.

"Michiganders are furious at life, ...says Democratic pollster Celinda Lake. " [USAT]

I would just like to formally state what should be obvious from the repeated royal rogering you have recieved, I don't care.

Sincerely,

Life


P.S. Have you ever thought of going by Michiganites or Michigantoniniones. Your current designation kind of sounds like a bad knock-off japanese duck dish. Sorry, I just realized that being compared to a bad japanese knock-off might be a little close to home.

Neighbor Porn

A neighbor, whose apartment shares a wall with mine, is a porn freak. I wake up on the average Sunday morning to an ecstatic chorus of "OH GOD" and "Give me more" which would I attribute to a mass religious experience except for the distinct din of porn music in the background. All of this would be just annoying instead of disturbing if I didn't know of his fondness for working with high school students.

Fun Blimp Facts and Survival Tips!

First, the fun fact!

During World War I, Britain suffers its first casualties from an air attack when two German zeppelins drop bombs on Great Yarmouth and King's Lynn on the eastern coast of England. This event starts Globophobia, the fear of balloons.


Now for the survival tips!

How to Survive a Blimp Attack
(This has particular significance for our local blimp laden skies, so if you live in a blimp free zone feel free to ignore)

Step 1: Look up and recognize that you are under attack by balloony death from above.

Step 2: Move, blimps are slow so they cannot match the superior agility of humans

Alt. Step 2: Shoot down Blimp with rapid-repeating anti-aircraft guns and avoid exploding blimp shrapnel.

Step 3: Get therapy to avoid post-traumatic Globophobia.


Bonus survival tips!

How to Survive a Stealth Blimp Attack

Step 1: You don't, so be prepared to die.