Now I Have Heard of the Book Mobile, But ......

The pregnancy mobile! What sector does that serve? The book mobile is mainly for children and the elderly who do not have the means to get to the library. That's not exactly the demographic that would find the pregnancy mobile a benefical service. Besides, who would rather line-up outside in their neighborhood to get tested instead of getting an at home test from the drug store or going to the local planned parenthood. Maybe it is for the homeless, but let's just said, I've never seen the refrigerator box a rock'n if you know what I mean. Alas despite it's apparent pointlessness, it exists in all of it's converted R.V. glory.

So That's Why I Felt Dirty After My 7th Grade English Teacher Touched Me

After such a salacious title, the post will actually be quite boring. I found this article a while ago.

A recent study commissioned by Clorox Company found that teachers had the germiest jobs. In fact teachers had 10 times the germ rates than any other profession, according to Charles Gerba, a microbiologist at the University of Arizona who did the study. That's because they're around kids most of the time - notorious germ spreaders.

1. Teacher (averaged 17,800 bacteria per square inch)
2. Accountant (6,030)

I am going to break into this list and point out that 17,800 is not 10 times greater than 6,030 (in fact it is only ~2.9519071310116 times greater), so then, how does Charles Gerba, "A Microbiologist", come up with the idea that teachers have 10 times the germ rate of any other profession. Maybe he should have picked-up that Math for Dummies book in Borders, but let's all take comfort in that he is not Charles Gerba, "A Mathematician".

3. Banker (5,400)
4. Radio DJ (3,323)
5. Doctor (2,620)
6. Television producer (2,460)
7. Consultant (1,250)
8. Publicist (1,020)
9. Lawyer (900)

(CNN)

I understand why teachers are germy, but accountants. What have they been doing in the supply closet, and why have they not been washing their hands afterward. I would also like to point out that doctors take the number 5 spot. In dealing with the sick, I would expect some bacteria, but good gracious, there is this thing called disinfectant. Use it.

Intern Season

I think I made one of those hiring mistakes that you hear about in human resource circles. It hit me this morning when I opened Outlook and saw an email from an intern I hired exclusively on recommendation from a former adviser titled Internship Opportunitie. This individual either forgot the "s" in opportunities, which makes little sense in that this is a single internship opportunity, or thinks the "e" sound is made with "ie" instead of a "y" in this word, which is an even scarier prospect. Independent of the reason, the more important point is that he did not even bother to hit spellcheck before sending a message to an employer. The message was riddled with simple spelling and grammatical errors. Thank goodness I am not directly responsible for him. Otherwise, this could be a very long summer.

Return of a Nineties Icon

I was under the impression that spokey dokes stopped beginning cool in '91. Clearly, I was wrong.

Quote of the Weekend

Idle hands spend time on the genitals, and you know how God hates that.

Open Letter Rebuttal to Possible Public Slander

One of my friends from way back in elementary school is giving the children's story at her UU church. Below is a draft of the speech that she posted. In that it is based on her experiences growing up, for which I was partially present, I feel the need to correct and or illuminate certain portions in which my actions may be being described. I have italicized the text of the speech below.

I have some questions for you guys.Who here has ever been made fun of? When someone laughs at you, or says something mean? (response, hopefully) I have. People have said mean things to me.

This is true.

And a harder one: Who here has ever made fun of someone else? (response, hopefully) I have. I've said mean things to people.

Also true. She wears bitchy well, but in her defense the individuals being made fun of rarely realized it.

When I was in school, I got made fun of a lot, because I was different. I had big fuzzy hair, and I had thick glasses that covered up my whole face. People teased me for that.

This point needs a little clarification. We did not make fun of you for your huge thick glasses and fuzzy hair. We made fun of the duct tape used to hold your glasses together, hence the nickname "Duct Tape". As far as fuzzy hair is concerned, it was the early nineties. A fuzzy rooster tail was simply a girl's best friend in sixth grade.

I was also a weird kid.

Hallelujah to that sister. Preach it on the mountain.

I liked to read, all the time, instead of playing sports or games. I always had a book, and I was good at tests, so the other kids called me a nerd. That hurt my feelings. Are any of you guys nerds? (response, hopefully)

Again, this is not exactly true. We did not make fun of you for liking to read. In fact, we were quite impressed by your ability to navigate overcrowded school halls without ever looking up from your book. We also did not make fun of you for any lack of athletic ability. In fact, you ran cross country in junior high. What we did make fun of was your need to read while running races. I believe I still have pictures of you crossing the finish line with a copy of Anna Karenina in hand.

And I didn't fit in very well at my school. I was different from the other girls. All of them were interested in their hair, and their clothes, and they all had the latest most expensive clothes you could have. My parents wouldn't buy me expensive clothes, so the other girls teased me about that.

I have no knowledge of the other girl's behavior, so I will let this one slide.

The last thing people made fun of me for was my religion. I would tell them that I didn't believe in God and they would say mean things about how I was going to Hell. Has that happened to any of you? (response, hopefully)

Are really saying that you hope people have told these children to go to Hell? I might rephrase that.

So I got made fun of every year.

Well at least every year that you had duct tape glasses and ran with a book, but I hardly feel guilty for giving you a hard time on these points.

But every year, there were one or two people who said, Hey, stop that. You shouldn't be mean to people. You shouldn't make fun of people or tease them. It hurts their feelings, and makes everybody a little bit sadder and madder and upset.

I have to admit, I don't remember that. I think you may be taking some creative license with the little ones.

And every time someone would say that, I'd feel a little bit happier. And when they would come over to where I was reading, by myself, on the playground, and ask me to play with them, I'd feel much happier. And when they'd come over to my house after school or have me over to dinner, I'd feel really a lot happier.

Or you would feel a little bit ashamed at your families behavior. Insanity is never pretty over the dinner table.

And I'd remember that it wasn't me being weird that was the problem,

Though it did promote the problem

it was those other people being mean.And that made me think, "Hey, people should stop being mean to other people."

Like not hoping people told young children to go to hell?

And I became one of those kids who told other kids to stop being mean. And other kids thought I was bossy, but they also knew I was right.

There was no "thinking" you were bossy. You were bossy, and you were right about ~75% of the time. But, we listened because of your freakishly strong arms from carrying those books during 2 mile races, not the rectitude of your moral positions. To this day, I still disagree with your use of the phrase "Go to Hell" around small children.

And sometimes--not always, but sometimes--they quit saying such nasty things.

We also just grew tired of calling you Duct Tape. I mean it sounds juvenile when your 18. But, Jo-Jo head is a classic that will stand the test of time.

So the problem with making fun of people who are different is that it is a mean thing to do.

Like physical intimidation isn't mean.

And when you say, "Hey, that's not right," you make the person being made fun of a lot happier.

I have found revenge also makes people happy, but you seem to be ignoring that route.

And you make yourself happier, because you know you've done something good. And you make your whole class or school or world a happier, better place to be. For everyone.And that is what we must do!

Are you going to be flexing when you say that, because again, physical intimidation is not nice.

Now please join me in singing the children out.

Please tell me that you aren't going to be singing "Highway to Hell."

Seemingly Obligatory But Oddly Apolitical Post on the Marriage Debate

I found the following quote from potential presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, independent of one's thoughts on the marriage debate, quite disturbing.

(Potential presidential candidate Mike) Huckabee said in 2004 that allowing gay marriages is allowing "lawlessness." "That's my major concern, that we've just got a whole bunch of folks out there that want to make up their own laws," he said. Later that year, [he] said marriage "cannot be redefined to be something that culture wants it to be." [Red State]

I think they call groups of people coming together to develop laws democracy. Ideally speaking, this is the basis of our government. Independent of the universal overarching concepts of human rights (such as individual determination and pursuit of happiness), state sanctioned marriage is a legal construct, with legal benefits as well as penalties, and in a democracy, the legal construction can be changed to conform to the will of the people. As such, Huckabee's statement makes no sense. I think Mr. Huckabee was trying, but failed, to make the argument that Bill Frist made recently.

(Bill Frist stated) that the "American people deserve a full debate on this foundational issue before marriage is redefined for everyone" and said he wants to "ensure the definition of marriage endures and remains true to the wishes of the majority of the American people." [RedState]

Again, independent of human rights issues and the obvious political angle, at least this statement is coherent and compatible with the intended out working of a representative democratic process. So, in terms of potential Republican presidential nominees understanding how our government is suppose to work Frist 1, Huckabee 0.

Why I Am Single

While driving to Atlanta for the American Chemical Society Smeeting, a colleague who recently got engaged asked a recently married colleague what his favorite part of marriage was. After a moment, he responded that it was knowing that there was always someone waiting for him. While I winced in horror, the recently engaged colleague smiled and said she hoped he would say that. Whereas, I find constantly having to deal with another person confining, spiritually suffocating and soul killing. It is only when I forget this that I choose to date again. Hence, the multi-year relationship hiatuses. Maybe this will not be true with the right person, but that has been my experience up to this point.

(Side note: I would have guessed that the plural of hiatus was hiati, but dictionary.com says no, and the internet is always right.)

The Culling of Hope...The Killing of Orphans

This blog has been around for a while, and during this time I have collected a series of posts that just for some reason or another don't work: sometimes the humorous angle never materialized, sometimes the subject matter was time sensitive and did not get published in the relevant time frame, and sometimes do to a lack a writing finesse, they come off unnecessarily mean and/or garish. I kept working and reworking these post to no avail. Like doughy unfocused children, no matter how much work got invested into them, they just never did what they were suppose to. Now I am entering a period where I am going to be quite busy, so instead of ruining some good ideas by not allowing proper editing time just for the sake of posting, I have decided to give-up hope, and cut my losses by sacrificing these orphan posts that just don't measure up. This little dumping of the trash should last about a week.

Nature's Hoodie

Here is a summary of a story on CNN. A mother wants to have her 8 year-old son circumsized to help reduce the number of painful urinary tract infections the son has been contracting. The father is suing to prevent the procedure. The father is being helped free of charge by "David Llewellyn, an Atlanta attorney who specializes in circumcision cases", and the reasoning the father gives for refusing the procedure is that "[His son] is not a Jew."

Often times something doesn't quite feel right with news stories, but this one has my head spinning. First, where does one go to law school when one decides to specialize in circumcision cases, and how does that statement of purpose entrance essay read. Then how do you approach the parent or parents involved in the case and express your interest in their son's circumcision while offering your services free of charge without appearing creepy and off-putting. Finally, of all the reasons that one may have to question the practice of circumcision, why would you choose to publicly express your anti-Semitic one. This whole situation kind of baffles me.

Cabinet Cuts Loose

This excerpt is from a pool reporter that went on the trip to Iraq with the president.

Mr. Bartlett said that the president left Camp David Monday evening after excusing himself from an after-dinner discussion about Iraq that included Mr. Cheney; Messrs. Gonzalez, Bodman, and Johanns; National Intelligence Director John Negroponte; Gen. Michael Hayden, the Director of Central Intelligence; and Gen. Peter Pace, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Mr. Bartlett explained that at approximately 7:45 PM, Mr. Bush told the officials that he was "losing altitude" and wanted to go to bed to read a bit before falling asleep. The meeting adjourned around 8 PM,... [Drudge]

I find it oddly comforting that even top government officials give up on meetings just minutes after the boss leaves the room like I do.

Addendum: Someone noted that without having to repeatedly explain everything to the president, it may have only took 15 minutes to cover the meetings agenda. I do not care for this idea because it reaffirms the previously held notion that I am unusually lazy, but it is funny none the less.

Unsolicted Relationship Advice

At this point, I figure you shouldn't post on craigslist in this area unless you want me to comment. Below is the latest find.

I miss you. I know I shouldn't. I wish you would just try harder instead of doing the backstroke in the sea of f*&% up. I'd much prefer you to "try a little tenderness" and quit with the repeated offenses... sometimes sorry is just a word. How about we forget you being sorry and we just have you HERE being NICE. Oh squooshy head, where r u? [Craigslist]

Holy crap. Get some self-esteem and forget the bastard. Advice for future relationships, a pet name like squooshy head is as much relationship sabbotage as swimming in the sea of f*&% ups. Nothing would make me want to act out quite like being called a squooshy head.

Eggers Sighting...Something Like a Yeti Sighting Except Without the Fear of a Mauling

Dave Eggers, a McSweeneys editor, has a humorous piece in Slate today about the rise of soccer in the US in honor of the world cup. It is definitely worth a read.

I have this strange rash...Maybe I will call the Federal Reserve

Here is an excerpt from an article on The Smoking Gun website about the investigation into steroid use in baseball.

After a week's cooperation, Grimsley's lawyer stopped his chats with the government team, which included Internal Revenue Service agent Jeff Novitzky, who has headed the steroid investigation of Barry Bonds and other clients of San Francisco's BALCO laboratory.

Now, why is the IRS heading investigations into drug use? Seriously, isn't that the FDA's, ATF's and/or the FBI's job. Heck, I could understand the Justice Department or as a stretch Health and Human Services taking charge, but the IRS. Do they even know how to do drug testing?

What are these bison of which you speak?

This report is from a local news station website.

Curious About Bison? Local Man Wants to Help

(6/7/06) — (A) man is opening his farm this weekend to anyone who wants to learn more about bison. Jim Buckmaster he doesn't know why more people don't eat bison. He says the meat is protein-rich and low in fat and calories.

I have three problems with this snippet.

1. Choose the pronoun he or the proper noun Jim Buckmaster, I don't care which, but only use one.

2. Is this a news report or a commercial for bison, and if it is a report, what exactly makes it news worthy.

3. Why was there enough space on the website to put this article in the news archive, but not enough space to report the stabbing murder of my neighbor the night before? It is not like they did not know it happened. Their reporters knocked on my door looking for comments. Kind of odd.

Abandoned Pre-Industrial Dilapidation Photolog

I Agree with the Communist...She probably is a Ditz

Blake Teegarden
Just tell me one thing, why, oh why, oh why did you marry that brainless ditz from the hills? I mean really Blakely, a cheerleader?!?! [Craigslist]

Re: Blake Teegarden
Is this Meredith Casey aka Deborah Gates? If so, I hate you! You were one of those communists who spray painted over our banner the night before the homecoming dance....we stayed up all night pasting all those little azaleas. [Craigslist]

Sweet time capsules batman, who has non-ironically used the term communist as an insult since the 80's. I would love to think that a local communist cell organized simply to destroy her homecoming banner.

I hope she used Deborah Gates as the alias to hide her communist affiliations. Meredith Casey just seems like the name of a frumpy, overweight, neo-feminist, midwesterner not that of a glamorous communist homecoming insurrectionist. More books/movies/television shows should start out with this much narrative potential.

(Side Note: I just thought I would take this time to say hello to the poor person in the DHS that has to read this post looking for clues and connections because I used the words insurrectionist and communist in the same sentence.)

Battle of the Booze

After a long week at work one has to decide how to spend Friday evening. As with any project it is best to make the most critical decisions first, and in this case it is which alcohol to get plastered with. The first contender is amaretto sour. It is tasty, cool, refreshing and goes down smooth, as intended by the octogenarians that drink them. Hence, the inherent shame of being seen in public with an amaretto sour in hand. The other contender is Blue Moon. This is a light unfilter wheat beer that is known to have filtrate at the bottom of the brown bottle. Carrying it projects that distinctly masculine aura. Here is the crux of the problem. Do I endure public shame for maximized personal pleasure or maintain face amongst friends at the sacrifice of flavor.


The winner is:

It looks like I will be drinking alone.

Perspectives on Relationships

Kate: I got my boyfriend to take a goofy drivers license photo for me.
Opie: But, he is stuck with that picture for five years even if you dump him.
Kate: I know! I like to leave a lasting impression.
Opie: Some people call that scaring.