Whale Burgers for All

Approximately 60 pilot whales landed themselves on an Australian beach. Commentators are clamoring that this tragedy could have been avoided if the co-pilot whales had noticed that the pilots were drunk and taken the helm. The FAA will be leading an investigation.

In unrelated news, scientists have learned that despite the ability for advanced communication through complex songs, whales have no phrase for "HOLY CRAP BACK UP!!"

Should Tom Delay Run: A Fashion Perspective

Now that Tom Delay has been charged with money laundering and criminal conspirisy, a critical decision needs to be made that has been immortalized by the lyric "Should I Stay or Should I Go." By go, I mean make a run for the border and avoid an inevitable stay in prison. To offer fresh non-partisan input on the matter, I would just like to just look at the fashion aspect of the matter. On the left is Tom Delay in his current garb. It consists of a nice suit and tie combo. The jacket is dark and smart with a lapel that is aggressively cut, but yet still non-threatening. The classic light blue shirt nicely complements his eyes, and the whole ensemble is pulled together with a modern medium-width tie. With the nicely quaffed hair, he projects an image of quiet conservative confidence and competence. Now on the right is an "artistic" rendition of Tom Delay in a prison jump suit. The child molester hair cut, winning come hither smile, and lusty eyes will only serve to entice the large, angry, democratic population in prison. While the minimalist, bright orange jumper will nicely bring out the color in his checks which will up his value as a "pretty, pretty boyfriend". The utilitarian, quick access zipper with ensure all clandestine interaction initiated by other mates will be "unDelayed" and unnoticed by the guards. In summary, his new nick name will be Tom "The Jack Hammered" Delay.

Verdict: Run Tommy run!!

A Societal Gentalman

First off, it is national chemistry week, so have you kissed your chemist yet? It is already Wednesday, I would hurry it up before all the good ones are taken. I'm just saying, I sent in my dues to the American Chemical Society to maintain my status as a card carrying chemist this week. I think $92.00 should get me an ACS membership card and a week of chemist lov'n. I mean I'm working to make your future better, so why are you not trying to make my present a little more pleasent with your tongue. Seriously, I'm not even that ugly. So, why are we not making out right now. Hell, I even swing both ways, in that I'm also a card carrying physist. Just ask the American Physical Society. I'm one of the few people who can say "Why are you worried that this is getting too physical, I'm a professional. In fact call me Dr. Physical" without an ounce of irony. So, why are you not trying to get into my pants. I'm even a card carrying optical engineer, if you want it freaky like that. I can do things with mirrors and pulse lasers that will blow your mind. Yet, you are not even attempting to claim your free ride on the Opie-go-round. Unless you act soon, I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands. Quite literally.

Beauty Sleep

Sleeping pill use among 10-19 year-olds has increase 85% in the past 4 years. What the hell. They had better have been trying to kill themselves. That is the only excuse I can come up with. I remember barely being able to stay awake in high school, let alone needing pills to fall asleep. In undergrad, I was so sleep deprived I once passed out, standing up, naked, in a cold shower!! I dosed off for 20 minutes before I woke-up. It was only 6:20 a.m. and was already late for my first appointment. I use to pull leg hair out in the middle of lectures to keep from falling asleep. Currently, I am supporting a 5 can-a-day Diet Pepsi habit just to stay functional. If you are between 10-19 and need sleeping pills, you need to die.

http://biz.yahoo.com/prnews/051017/phm008.html?.v=29

There's a Story Here: Personals Part I

I love reading the personals in the paper. The postings range in quality from good to down right gash. I mean personals are meant to attract people, not scare them away. Yet, a suprising number appear to have been scrolled by illitrate trolls living under your local bridge. I mean good Gawd, we have universal education upto grade 12. Use it. If you chose not to you proably should not be engaging in activities which may lead to procreation. Anyway, I'm sure there will be more on that later. Sometimes while reading the personals, you can tell there is a back story. For example, the two posts were listed together.

Men for Men

I’M A BI-CURIOUS WM, straight acting and looking, Harley rider, single, attractive. Looking for Bi-curious female into having descreet [sic] fun. Will tell other interests on reply. Photo gets same. You won’t be disapointed. Age 26

NO BIKERS! Sensitive male seeking a male with an open heart. Conversation is what really gets me going, so lets start one today. I'm caring, love sharing, and am lonely in Cleveland. Your pic gets mine. Age 28

First off, why are you looking for a bi-curious female in the men for men section. Do you not understand the concept of Men for Men. Currently, there are two general types of genetialia. This section is strictly for people who have a penis and are generous enough to share it or want to shuck, suck, or fuck some other generous man's penis. There is no bush here. If you want to be austrialian and poke around the bush down under, this is not the section for you. Second, who thinks these to tried to hit it off. Seriously, who do you think came off worse for the wear. I mean one guy swore off bikers, but the other guy turned off an entire gender and is obviously clueless as to how to get ahold of the other. This is a promising sign that he will be back. It is hard to ignore the other call of nature even when your dominate hand has been named Mr. 'Red' Palm Chaferstein. Because the Jews are cut and therefore are more likely to chafe.

The Jessen Boys

I have two brothers one older and one Younger. (Supposedly, I exhibit 'middle child syndrome', but damn, lets see exactly how many time people forget to pick you up after junior high cross country, academic challenge, track, and church youth events before you start getting a little scittery about being forgotten again.) Both are married, own houses, and have started careers, but due to age differences I am closer to my younger brother Tate. (4 years older, 18 months younger) I think Reagan made my mother horny and forget the pill. He was a great man. If it were not for the cowboy hat and the 70 year age difference, he would make me horny. It is just wrong to be turned on by the inspiration for your conception.
Anyway, needless build up to the point. Tate called last night at midnight. Now his wife and I get along well, but she hates when he and I are in the mood to talk. We are often referred to as the Gilmore Girls because of the rate, wit, and subject matter of our conversations. I get to be Rory and he is Lorelei. Which is a reasonably apt description in so far that I am still in school and just recently decided that I am slutty, while he is distinctly hotter and has been slutty for a much longer time. Anyway our conversations are chipmunk-like to outside observers not privy to the language and symbols forged in our youth. To be honest, I thoroughly enjoy the quick meaningless batter that I rarely get to share with others. (When I just spell checked this entry, the program suggested Menelaus, the king of Sparta in Homer's epic poetry, as a replacement for my misspelled meaningless. This simultaneously indicates how horrendously I spelled meaningless, and the range of words found in this dictionary.) Of course when he called I was passed out from work based exhaustion, so the conversation was work focused. A cousin of ours just got his first real job after hanging around his parents house for a 20 month 'cool' down period. I mention how it is about time our cousin sunk his teeth into the meaningless drudgery that an engineering degree earns you. My brother retorts, "I kind of like my job, its not bad." I return, "Well, mine blows serious chunks." He responds, "If we are being honest and not just reciting what we tells ourselves at night so we can sleep. My job sucks ass as well and here is why ...." And that is why I love talking to him.

Lab Marathon

I have spent over 24 hours in the lab straight. My mind is fried. I do not remember what I have to do next. I do not want to go home and sleep yet, because in my sleepless stupour I was expose to more then my fair share of toxic chemicals. So, if I clapse from some sort of poisoning, people will hopeful run into my body before I die, which is much better then having my body be found based on the smell coming from my apartment.

Svelt Autobody

There is nothing really wrong with this Craigslist barter. It just works against stereotype.

Hey anyone serious about losing weight? Ill provide the program in exchange for a paint job on my car. If interested hit me back asap, thanks.

Will Vandalize for Crappy Art

Title: I Need a Tattoo

"What do you need? practice giving them? work done on or at your house? your car detailed? moving help? some rides? someone beat up? their car or house vandalized? i'm multi talented. I have money too if you have a home studio or something, but bartering more fun, and i like having peoples practice work anyway" Craigslist

Heck, detail my car and I will give you a crappy "practice" tattoo. By the way, way to reinforce the whole tattooed people are criminals stereotype.