Paragons of a Sexual Revolution

An article describing how swingers clubs have been ruled legal in Canada used this homely couple as their personal interest angle. It took me a moment to realized why I was not a bit surprised. First off, the author clearly needed an example that the average newspaper reader could identify with. Second, older sagging couples have taken over the sexual vanguard. When your single you don't swing. Your slutty and being slutty isn't vanguard. All you can do is vary-up the who, when, where, and how you stick it to or take it from your partner. And all of those combinations have left the vanguard train station long ago. What is left are the whys. In singledom these whys are predominately horniness and/or personal issues, but when placed in coupledom these same issues take on the added dramatic nuance and complexity needed for truly experimental sexuality. All of a sudden my perception of the sexual vanguard has become a lot less sexy. Just give me porn.

Craigslist Barter

This posting struck me as odd.

I need age of the Empires III

all I need to is to load it on my pc that is all.. To give away water bed, ol school bannana seat seat bike, nice size TV, dvd movies old and new or a alright working laptop.

At first glance, all the stuff appears much more valuable than the game. This seems to be bad strategy to get what is essentially a strategy game. Now I'm not an Age of Empires expert, but I'm pretty sure if I was giving away an ol school banana seat bike I would at least demand a burned copy of the CDs. Additionally, where did this person, who does not come across as that bright, get all of this random stuff to trade.

Wrong Way Howie Day

In an effort to shake off that annoying good boy image, Howie Day has been arrested for bad behavior on a plane, has locked a woman in his tour bus bathroom when she would not give it up, and has broken the cell phone of another woman trying to call the police thereby becoming a rockstar cliche.

Merry Christmas

To the left is a picture, which has been "artistically" altered to appear less pathetic, of the only Christmas decorations that I own; a 12" Christmas tree with lights, a $.99 ceramic snowman with a secret storage compartment and a Kung-Fu grip, and a ceramic homemade Mexican house full of ceramic fruit labeled in Spanish. The sadder fact is that the tree and house were given to me, but I bought the snowman. Hence, making sure it had a Kung-Fu grip. The saddest part is that this display of Christmas cheer is sitting on my desk at work, but since everyone here is Asian no one even thinks it is odd.

One Ticket, One Rape

The planned 12.5 hour trip back from Maui took freak'n 20 hours. The hippies in the Maui airport would not simply get on the plane in an orderly fashion. It seems that waiting for their seats to be called and then boarding the plane was "way to limiting man, I mean just chill out. The mountain hasn't moved and it's cool, so why should I rush." After be subjected to such hippie logic, we were late for my connecting flight in LAX for which I had scheduled a 1.5 hour lay over. In an effort to make my flight in Chicago, for which I had scheduled another ~1.5 hour lay over, I flew standby on a flight to Chicago that left an hour after my original one. When I went back through security after changing terminals, the guard just laughed when I handed him my ticket. He explained that the "SSSS"code requires me to go through further extensive security checks. What happened next can best be understood by thinking of the code as 'Nazi SS^2'. By the time the very large guard was done, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to tip him or whether he was suppose to tip me. All I can say is that somehow I got upgraded to some super first class level seating where we all had our own TVs, beds, as well as fruit and cheese snack plates. I will just state that I have been felt-up for less. Despite flying in the lap of luxury, I still missed my Chicago flight. So, I got confirmed for a flight 5 hours later giving me plenty of time to wonder around O'Hare on my blood blistered feet. I wasn't long before I noticedthat about every fourth person in the place was dressed in a Navy uniform. From the looks of it, the entire navy had simply abandoned the ships for the holidays. When I finally got home, I was ever more assured that I could parlay my body for good and services like a whore, and never less confident the navy was even bothering to secure our borders.

I Have Never Been as Scared of Sperm...

...Whales as I was after seeing the remains of one in person.









They are much toothier than your standard sperm. I hope.

Roommate Bonding

This is a picture of my roommate and I after he confessed that he liked Fran Dresher, and I drank an entire bottle of white wine in front of him without offering him a drop. I 'HEART' roommates. Notice the gnome shirt!

I Found the Awesomest Shirt Ever!

I am just saying, I think this shirt was made specifically for me.

Hawaiian Christmas: Twisted Like a Candy Cane

I don't think that Hawaii quite knows what to do with Christmas. They kind of want to interpret it in there own way, but not really. For example, I was by a private elementary school today in the town of Lahaina, and could see inside the cafeteria. Hanging from the ceiling were hundreds of paper cut-out snow flakes. I have two problems with this situation. First, the cellulose blizzard resulting from a strong gust of wind would be a hemophiliac's nightmare. Second, why the hell are your wasting these kids' lives cutting out replicas of precipitation that they are lucky enough to never see. For them, there is no connection between snow and Christmas. The kicker is that everyone knows it. The picture above shows a Christmas display with Santa in a canoe pulled by dolphins! ( Rudoph dolphin, clearly missing, I am assuming he got caught in a tuna net back in the '70s.) In fact, the Santa isn't even white. He is a weird Polynesian-Japanese blend which is just wrong. Where do these people get off presenting a non-European, non-white person as being selflessly generous. Then how are all the older, white child molesters going to lure youngsters into their van unless we tell them that small elf-like boys hanging around gift-bearing men is OK. Seriously.

Revenge of Geek Guy

So, my roommate totally walked in on me masturbating in the hotel room. I was fantasy fucking geek guy when I heard the door unlock. Now, the junk, though erect, was covered, so I thought I could play it off like I was just scratching myself when he walked in. He did not act unusually, so I figured I got away with it. Then when he was about to leave, he told me his exact schedule when he would be gone for the rest of the day just like you do when you walk in on your roommate engaging in self abuse or sex. Oh well, every one does it. Let me just say, the next time my roommate left, fantasy geek guy, you were awesome.

Geek Guy

As previously discussed, I tend to become intensely infatuated with someone whenever I travel. I swear, I'm never as horny as when I am at a conference. Anyway, there was only two people worth noticing these time, but one for some reason got under my skin. Gawd, I didn't even talk to him, but I find myself drifting into fantasies about he and I on the beach. He isn't exactly hot, but he has these rectangular, black rim glasses that for some reason completely turn me on. He also dresses the part. His clothes aren't neat, but you can tell they are nice. He has messy blond hair, blue eyes, and skin so white that looks like it burst into flames in the Hawaiian sun. They work together to make that perfect geek-chic that I totally fall for. I keep giving him the eyes with no response. Oh well. He is probably at his hotel writing about how this strange guy in Maui keeps giving him this strange constipated look.

Maui interrupted

So, I am currently in Maui for a conference. The protagonist in the story I was going to write just entered the room, so, so much for that. And now he is arguing with me about the function of dialing 1 before entering in the rest of a phone number. Why will this argument not end. I wonder whether he realizes that I am commenting about this right in front of him. His not being fluent in English must be helping me. Anyway, this is a picture of Lana Island I took today. More later.

FBI opens internal probe after Bears' brawl

What I do not understand about this incident is why were the players allowed in a FBI shooting range to try out weapons? Is this standard practice? Seriously. Can I just show-up at a CIA trainning camp and practice torture techniques. What the hell happened to the concept of National Security.

Adam - Nicole

I'm not sure why the break-up of Nicole Richie and Adam Goldberg makes me sad, but it does. Unlike other Hollywoodish couples they have been together for 18 months, and seemed to actually like each other. Additionally, there is that whole music connection they had. Besides, they took really good pictures together. Maybe it is my soft spot for jewish boys in jeans and fitted shirts with decent taste in music. This weakness has been exploited by the media in the past. Damn you O.C..

Update: Somehow this makes me feel a little less stupid about being sad.

Hayden + Misha

You may wonder why the casting director chose the talent defficient Misha Barton to be in the upcoming Decameron: Angels & Virgins. I will enlighten.

Reasons to choose Misha Barton to "act" in a movie:

1. To reduce food service costs.
2. They were double-dog dared.
3. From Star Wars, Hayden is use to stilted, unrealistic acting. (The good stuff might confuse him)
4. To finally settle that bet concerning whether you really could split her like a dry log.
5. She threatened to club a baby seal if she did not get the role.
6. They thought they were hiring an ethnic Miss. Barton.
7. They always wanted to say "stop playing with that stiffy" without irony to the lead actor.
8. They wanted to meet Adam Brody.
9. She brings her own cocaine.
10. To use her boy-like chest to keep the lead actor happily in the closet until the movie premier.

Personal Ads II

Let's analyze (ever since 10th grade, when I see that work I think pornindustry dirty) what these latest personal ads tell us about the people who wrote them.

Aint No Mountain High Enough Energetic, college grad seeking a conversationalist. If you like to talk, talk, talk and talk some more, drop me an email. Age: 21

First, what the hell does the mountain have to do with talking. Second, do not use the word "aint" and then tell me you are a college graduate. You are either lying, or you did not do very well. These are not issues you want to bring up at the beginning of a relationship. Third, people who say they are looking for conversationalist are usually looking for an audience. So if I were to contextualize this ad, it would go something like this:

I use meaningless sayings to suggest that I have a positive attitude, so I can blame the you for not really believing in the relationship when it goes sour. I think that I am awesome even though I cannot back it up, so I need someone to verbally beat into believing it to validate my inflated self-esteem. If you are that person, drop me a line.

Now for number two.

Ill be your couch potato if youll [sic] be mine. Lets [sic] spend Sundays watching the Browns, watching the sun go down and talking about our future. Age: 31

Contextualized Ad....

I'm a fatty. I need someone who will not challengee my fragile sense of self-worth, and I am desperate/lonely enough to do anything to keep you. Let's talk about our imminently developing, physically debilitating health issues.

If you ask me, that's hot.

Adsense Addition

I just signed-up for Adsense to see what products it would select for this blog. I figured I would put that $14 billion Google algorithm to the test, and I was quite impressed. Out of all this crap, it distilled the one glowing product placement, Edy's Double Fudge ice cream. Better than sex and Google knows it.

Thanksgiving Travel

My family went to my older brother's house for Thanksgiving, because the newest member of the family is due soon. So, in riding with the parents for the 6 hour trip I realized why have middle child syndrome to the extreme. I mean besides actually having been forgotten so many times. I shall illustrate the reasons with the following two points.

1. "You should not wear a hat. That would only bring attentention to your physical presence."

Thanks mom. Why not just say I'm ugly and need to be ignored/forgotten.

2. Refer to all of by relatives as if they only belonged to my younger brother.

Mom, his aunts are my aunts too. You can just say, "your aunt".

Just wait until I find the proper attention seeking behavior to make you wish you could forget me.