Foggy Night Photolog

Battle Chess Was Much Cooler

While waiting for a table at a restaurant, a friend and I went next door to a coffee shop, and noticed a chess board was set out for people to use. I not having played since elementary school with my father and he since high school, sat down for a match to the death/or until the restaurant called my cell phone. This sparked the curiosity of patrons who then started gathering around to watch. Now, it is one thing to display one's only child-like competence in an game to a friend. It is completely different to expose it to a room full of strangers. Unfortunately, the restaurant called only after the on-looker's caffeine altered interest became glares of disgust. Let me tell you, nothing complements a free basket of nachos and salsa better than humble pie.

I Think I Know What He Was Washing Up From

The porntastic neighbor, while in the shower, had a halogen light fall onto his mattress catching it on fire and burning his apartment down. To put out the fire, the firemen knocked out my ceiling rendering the apartment unlivable. Although my apartment suffered no fire damage, the smoke damage was extensive. I understand minor disasters have a way of opening up more of one's life to the outside world than normal, and having every book, magazine, and article of underwear I own cataloged by cleaning companies for insurance purposes, has lead to a level of official exposure that I'm not used to. Not that it is entirely uncomfortable, but it is unusual. Simultaneously, I am quite glad that unlike my neighbor, I do not have to catalogue a massive porn collection and argue that the replacement value for the director's special edition set of lesbian spank inferno I, II, III is more than each title individually.

The Boss is in Taiwan, and I've Got Nothing Better to Do Than Write Email

> -----Original Message----->
From:Kelley
Sent: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 11:03 AM
To: Opie
Subject: We're pulling for you!

Opie,

"The well bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves." I don't think Oscar Wilde ever had to defend a dissertation, but the advice goes a long way. Hope this finds you well and full of confidence. If you need anything at all, don't hesitate to ask.


Happy Thanksgiving,
Love,

Kelley


On Tue, 21 Nov 2006 11:53:50 -0500,

"Opie" wrote:

Kelley,

Well, I defended Nov. 9, so I am officially Dr. Obadiah Jessen. I turned in my dissertation yesterday, and I am just waiting on the final format approval. So, I am just sitting here playing video games waiting for the conformation email.

That little snippet made the process sound easy, but needless to say it wasn't. My porntatstic neighbor burned down his apartment on 10/24 leaving me rather homeless 2 weeks before the defense. My stuff only suffered smoke damage, but it all still needs to be cleaned. His insurance refused the claim, so it has to go on my insurance. Now, I am living in a refugee apartment with my card table, two folding chairs, and an inflatable mattress. It must look really bad because when my insurance adjuster stopped by to take my statement, he offered me money to buy food. Anyway, I am now setting up appointments for restoration companies to clean all of my clothes and furniture. All of this was happening on top of the standard madness surrounding our research center review, which is a whole mess of stories I do not even want to get into. I hope things have been going more smoothly for you.

Dr. Opie


On Tue, 21 Nov 2006 13:33:56 -0500,

"Kelley" wrote:

Dr. O-

That was the BEST email i have received in a long time.
Though it's not a contest, things are actually not going more smoothly here: unless you call having to find a new job in a hurry a good thing...and having america's most wanted arrested a block away from your house, and having two (more) clients kill each other in your yard, and having BOTH secretaries delivering their babies at work...all in the past two days. Although, none of those things will cause lung cancer, so we'll call it even. Thanksgiving can't come fast enough.

From experience, I'm sure the insurance settlement will be fine, in fact, maybe fabulous. It bodes well for you that you were sleeping on the floor. Ah, the stories you'll have for your grandkids...as you're sailing on your yacht...What is your new mailing address if say one should send you a hot meal or a clean pair of pants. I can't stress it enough- you are my new favorite tv show. I can't wait to hear what will happen next.


keep on truckin'

kelley


On Tue, 21 Nov 2006 15:12:23 -0500,

"Opie" wrote:

Kelley,

No, no you win. A week like the one described indicates that needing to find a new job and leave that mess of a city behind in a hurry is an excellent turn of events. That is unless you like puzzles such as which flowers go best with the chalk lines in the front yard, and how best could the linen closet be converted into a panic room. I will say my life is sometimes like a t.v. show, but at least it is not a CSI spin-off.


~O

There is No Business Like Show Business

Unexpectedly, my boss came in and told me and two of my colleagues to get into the lab. A TV commercial was scheduled to be shot, so "actors" needed to be conscripted. I would like to think I was chosen for my natural photogenic qualities, but it was probably because I did not look busy. I had a small but integral role as loader of sample into the X-ray diffractometer. It was demanding. I had to bring all of my 4.5 years of training to the role when after the 10 secs of scripted business, the camera stayed on me. I had to improvise the next 45 secs of the start-up procedure. People say improvisation is hard, I think not. So if you live in the Midwest and see a commercial with x-ray equipment, I'm the non-Chinese one in the blue shirt.

Side note: I am currently waiting for a craigslist missed connections posting for "Sample loader with the ass that will not quit- m4m- 29" from the production assistant. So if for some reason I appear to be staring off screen, you know who I was looking at.

Christmas Plan

My family is not close in the traditional sense. If anyone needs help, we are all more than willing to contribute as we can. But I am O.K. with the fact that I talk to my older brother three times a year including Thanksgiving and Christmas, and that I talk to my younger brother about five times a year. We do not involve each other in day-to-day issues, but keep up on big picture/life altering events i.e. weddings, new children, major illness, etc. This only becomes a problem during the gift giving holidays. The obvious solution to expressing one's love for each other without wanting any intimate details has been the gift card. Upsetting the happy balance we have struck, my mother has stated that she is tired of exchanging gift certificates for Christmas and is forcing the issue. She has been pushing us to develop a new Chrismas tradition. The ideas submitted thus far are listed below.

1. Petty Crime Exchange where we all write one small crime (a.k.a. slashing a set of tires, "quieting" a noisy dog) and place it in the hat and we each draw one crime that helps another with a maximum 5 year jail term (me)
2. Going around a nieghborhood carolling Nine Inch Nails songs (younger brother)
3. Seeing Joseph and the Techno Colored Dream Coat (mother)
4. Burning Disliked Friends and Neighbors in Effigy on their door step (father)
5. Adopting a needy family (younger Sister-in-law)

After heated discussion about these options, she decided to table the issue for a while.

I Am Talking About That Other Burning Feeling

I noticed at some point during the day that I wasn't experiencing the searing hate I have been feeling at the office. Thinking about it, I realized I did not come into work Sunday. Stringing that time together with the time I left on Saturday and the time before I came into the office today, I spent a total of 39 hours not at work. That is the most continuous time off I have had since very early in August. It is amazing what a full night's sleep will do for one's mood.

Detecting Your Pre-Homosexual Son

While at my parents' house, I found a book from the eighties called "Mothers & Sons" about parenting boys. In a chapter called something like "Homosexuality: Things Can Go Wrong Even In The Best Homes", it listed various signs that your son may be 'pre-homosexual' including if he is

1. Courteous
2. Overly Polite
3. Witty
4. Avoids large group competitions

And it stated that, if your son exhibits these characteristics he should be carefully watched and kept away from other boys exhibiting similar characteristics. Is it me or, excluding number 4, are these not also characteristics for well behaved children.

Dr. Jessen

It's official. I passed my doctoral dissertation defense this afternoon, so now I'm Dr. Obadiah Jessen. My parents called this afternoon, and my father would not stop referring to me as Dr. Jessen. It was simultaneously endearing and annoying the way that only small children and parents can be. Anyway, I am hoping to be able to post more regularly again. When spending 16 hours a day writing, reading, and making presentation slides, it is hard to take an hour break and write some more.

7 Months 'Til Sun

I hate winter. I have always lived in states along the northern border, but there is something particular about northern Ohio winters. It is always gray. Anywhere else, the sun periodically appears, and you can say at least it's sunny out. But in Ohio, you are not even given that reprieve. The only consolation you can make is to say at least it's not snowing. Independent of any meteorological or astronomical calendar you know the gray winter has arrived when you find yourself saying it. This morning I got up to go to the office. It was cold, dark, and raining hard, and I let it slip. I said to myself, "Well at least it's not snowing." Hello winter, you suck.

Advice for Renting DVDs

The problem with renting a video that describes it's plot as a movie within a movie is that you are usually stuck watching two sucky movies.

Dirty Daughters Don't Fall Far From the Dirty Father Tree

I have run road races since 9 and started regular training at 12. In the past 15 years, I have been glared at by walkers, chased by dogs, and twice had cars drive off the road right in front of me. One of those times, the driver turned to get a better look while I was running shirtless only to drive right off the road when it sharply turned. Let me just say, there is nothing like having your looks directly cause an accident to raise your self-esteem. In the same vain, the most pleasant runner/spectator harassment is the cat call. Generally, the cat callers are girls in their late-teen or early-twenties. I will be the first to admit that in my teens and early twenties the attention was much appreciated. Now I'm in my late twenties, and despite increased modesty, I still get cat calls. But it is does not strike the same chord because it is kind of dirty and weird to have 18 year-olds yelling sexually explicit comments at you when you probably have more in common with their mother and would prefer their father.

That's What You Get for Dating Linday Lohan

An article I read stated, "Lance Bass and boyfriend Reichen Lehmkuhl were dissatisfied when they arrived at Stereo House, where they were sup posed to stay ... At 3 a.m., they found the place 'seedy'... Stereo co-owner Mike Satsky told Page Six's Sarah Polonsky, 'The Stereo House is a $7 million estate where celebrities from Wilmer Valderrama to Scarlett Johansson and Lydia Hearst have stayed . "

Not that I truely care about the sleeping arrangements of celebrities, but anywhere that Wilmer Valderrama slept is by definition seedy.

An Open Letter to Correct Craigslist Confusion

i am a 28 year straight athletic male who needs another athletic, fit or built male to massage my nude body. i am asking for athletic men since i allow the masseuse to stradle me if they feel it is necessary to rub a certain muscle group. ... if you are interested send a picture of yourself and i will get back to you. [Craigslist]

Dear Straight Athletic Male,

I almost believed you were straight while reading your post for a built male to stradle you and relax certain "muscles" in the men for men section of craigslist until you requested a picture. Straight men may or may not like to have certain "muscles" relaxed, but they definitely do not require pictures to ensure the hotness of the men who do the relaxing.

Sincerely,
Opie

And the Secret Ingredient is ...

As thanks for helping with an oral presentation, an Asian colleague just gave me a red bean popsicle. Quite literally, it is red bean soup frozen, beans and all, onto a stick in the shape of a normal popsicle, and I'm talking 50% beans by volume. Once you get past the revolting concept and chewy texture of the boiled bean based popsicle, the legumes are refreshingly flavorless. I just hope the next time I help, she is distinctly less grateful.

Surly Suri

Holy crap, that kid has a full head of hair. Suri was born about 2 months after my still bald niece. I know that children are often born with hair, but I thought it usually fell out shortly after birth. I hope she has a trust fund setup solely for hair care expenses, because at this rate that will put her in the poor house.

Bad Medicine

Exhausting travel and lab time associated with conferences this month coupled with extreme exposure to the mass public, have contributed to my catching a cold. As such, I am currently high on a Dayquil/Advil cocktail which is kicking my butt, but which allows me minimal function in my professional capacity. I discovered this particular blend back in 2000 during the beginning of the recession. I was working as a co-op in a company which I was hoping to get a job offer from. During a critical part of my project while traveling in Arkansas, I came down with walking pneumonia. Unable to take time off, I had to work through it. The most effective symptom stopping medley I found after raiding a local drug store and dropping a C note on OTC remedies was a Dayquil/Advil combo. With the right balance of the two, I could medicate myself to the point of passable productivity. Like any effective medical regimen, there were draw backs. These included a zombie-like disconnected personality, a slight balance problem, and mild impotence. All of which were acceptable costs in achieving the goal of full employment. I lived on this cocktail for one month before the roommates forced me to go to the clinic, for the "traditional" treatment of antibiotics. Within a month I had recovered, and was getting ready for my work review. During the review, it was communicated that my "easy going, creative" working style would fit well with the company and that they would be happy to hire me, but then emphasized that I would have to pass a drug test, so I would have to be careful. Now, I have never actually taken any illegal drugs, so that comment left me a little confused until I remembered stumbling around the office for a month high on OTCs. Now, I work in an environment mostly populated by individuals of Asian decent, and anytime I take an OTC of any kind I get an earful. Western medicine only treats the symptoms not the underlying problem. You contain too much heat, drink this tea to balance it. Take that tea/herb to balance some other spiritual imbalance indicated by the shape of my eye. But as soon as they cough, their hypocrisy is revealed as they run off to the hospital as if they just got SARS. If you hate western medicine stop going to the damn emergency room each time you have a simple cold and leave me alone in my pharma-coma.

Creating New Frontiers in the Wrong Way

I was looking at a map of alumni job placements from my program when I noticed it had a couple imaginary islands/continents. The big obvious one in the Pacific Ocean tipped me off. It does not bode well for my program nor my future when the administration either misses huge errors on a map given out for publicity or thinks it can create land masses at will. At least no one is claiming to work on these mythic isles.

Academic Bender

In that I got my Ph.D. dissertation defense date set, I figured that it might be a good idea to actually start writing the dissertation. After obsessing about the fundamental concepts and nuanced out workings of my topic, reading a stack of journal articles taller than your average third grader, and editing five other dissertations in various unrelated areas, I thought this would go smoothly, but alas, not so much. All I need are the phrases "I Heart Molecules" and "Tommy has Cuties" for this dissertation to read like the scrawled note of an ADHD addled school girl. Who knew that the simple act of regurgitating your work over the past four years in an organized sensible manner would be so painful. No wait, regurgitate = puke, like after an alcohol fueled bender. Ah, there is the connection. Sorry about the rant. Please return to your normal duties. I have an academic hang-over to clear-up.

Universal Safety Signage for People of Western Descent Who Have Heard of the Parable of the Tortoise and Hare

Behind the Learning Curve

What bothers me most about this NYT graph of I.E.D.s in Iraq is that as the number of I.E.D devices deployed increases the number of I.E.D. devices safely found stays relatively constant. This not only indicates that the insurgency's production capacity is steadily increasing, but additionally implies that either the insurgency is learning and adapting deployment tactics faster than coalition forces can effectively respond or there is some saturated maximum capacity at which the coalition can find and destroy I.E.D.s. Either dynamic has disastrous consequences for trying to gain control in Iraq.

The Difficult Lives of Handicap Parking Meters

Spotted on the way to work.

An Open Letter to Benji

Dear Benji,

Congratulations on your win, but could you please stop weeping uncontrollably. Once is OK. Three times in one season is a bit overboard with the emotion. You make even Mia seem positively stoic in comparison.

Sincerely,
Opie

P.S. I saw your parents weeping uncontrollably as well suggesting that this may be a genetic condition. If so, please ignore the previous request.

So You Think You Can Dance

I read this article in EW where the So You Think You Can Dance finalist are interviewed. They did OK until asked who they thought would win.

TRAVIS: I think Benji will win. He has the young-girl vote. If this was a true dance contest, I think I would win, but it is a personality/likability contest as well as a dance talent contest.

Travis, way to both identify the problem, likability, and reinforce your unlikability by stating infront of the other competitors that you are clearly better than they are.

But, Benji is not helping the cause.

BENJI: Every member of the final four deserves it. If it can't be me, I have to pick Heidi — because she's my cousin, for crying out loud! She has been my dance partner for 17 years.

You do not need to remind us of the creepy cousin chemistry. Latent desire to inbreed is not "likable", it is West Virginian. Anyway Travis was right, despite evidence of incest, Benji will win.

Quote of the Day: From the Wife of an International Colleague

Wife: "Opie, you are too nice. Which means are either evil, and trying to take advantage of people, or dumb... and I don't really think you're evil."

Opie: "Thanks... please, don't let me stop you from leaving"

Will You Please Stop Crying About Your Dead Twin Brother

Below is a quick advice column excerpt.

My fiance, "Ken," has a 10-year-old son whom he loves very much. The only problem is that he isn't sure "David" is his. .... There is a very real chance David is not Ken's biological son. David becomes brokenhearted and tearful when this is discussed. [Slate]

Who intentionally tells their fiance's son that he may be a fatherless bastard and then writes an advice columnist about how to deal with the emotional child and what to do if the fiance's son actually is a fatherless bastard?

Blog Confessional: Where Sin are Aired and Forgiven

I taught my 2.5 year-old nephew that octopuses say "moo". He and my sister-in-law were putting together a cartoon barnyard puzzle, and she had him saying the noises that each of the barn animals made. When she left the room, he brought an ocean puzzle over to do with him. As we started piecing it together, his pointed to the octopus and asked what it said. I stared blankly at him for a moment trying, as a good uncle, to figure out how to explain to a 2.5 year-old that octpuses can't really speak when I decided to screw it and said "moo". So if he misses some crazy baah is to sheep as moo is to ... analogy question on his SAT's which prevents him from attending a good university and getting a good job, I will take the blame. If you were wondering, fish say cluck (Tuna = chicken of the sea ), and whales say oink (with all that blubber, whales are fatties).

I Think We Have Some Muskets We Could Fire

U.S. Successfully Completes Missile Test

The Minuteman III dummy warheads were fired at 3:14 a.m. and traveled about 4,200 miles before hitting a water target in the Marshall Islands. [Breibart]

I'm not sure why this is news. These missiles are specified to have a range of 6,000-plus miles, so shooting them 4,200 miles is hardly a shocking and threatening demonstration of our military superiority. Oh wait, they were deployed in 1970 and production stopped in 1978, one year before I was born, so the news is that we have indisputably demonstrated that we can faithfully follow the maintenance schedule of 30 year-old weapons systems. Why demonstrate one's technical superiority when you can show one's ability to follow a checklist. Kind of sad.

Federally Funded Humor

-----Original Message-----
From: Aaron
Sent: Monday, July 29, 2006 7:30 PM
To: Chris; Barry; Opie; Eric
Subject: Just what the world needs...

Recently, we welcomed Ty into the world. Pam and Ty are at home and doing fine. We’re still working on adjusting to having no sleep (odd how you can get no sleep caring for someone who sleeps 13-15hrs a day).

Aaron

-----Original Message-----
From: Barry
Sent: Monday, July 29, 2006 9:12 PM
To: Chris
Cc: Eric; Opie
Subject: Re: Just what the world needs...

We had no idea Pam was pregnant. At least not from the male counterpart. Sue thought they were. She has a gift, I guess.

~ Barry

-----Original Message-----
From: Opie
Sent: Tuesday, July 30, 2006 8:41 AM
To: Barry; Chris
Cc: Eric
Subject: RE: Just what the world needs...

I had no idea either, but I would keep an eye on that Sue lady. I'm
assuming the last time she saw Pam was at Chris's wedding which would have
been ~3-4 months before conception. So, if Sue thought they were... Barry,
I'm just saying that you should only think very clean thoughts that's all.
That is unless Pam is 30.77% elephant (gestation period = 22 months), but I
did not notice her having unusually large feet, ears, or tusks. By the way,
since my salary is federally funded, your hard earned taxes dollars just
paid for that "humorous" factoid, so I suggest you savor what you just paid
for. I like to think of the federal government as "The Endowment for Opie Jessen to Advance Elephant/Pam Based Humor", and that factoid has been
TEOJAEPBH's greatest accomplishment ever!

Opie

An Old Fashion Stair Master

It is not that I minded climbing down then up the nine floors at work when the roofers caught the building on fire, but when it happened a second time in one hour, I was quite annoyed. Thank goodness for Right Guard.

Undue excitement

Average Bi Bottom! - 24 [Craigslist]

Uuummmm? I just don't think about using an exclamation point when writing about something being average. Craigslist seems to distort people's understanding of the exclamation point. Reading the post you find that

I am an average looking bi male looking for the same... I am 6 ft 250 blonde and blue and this is what I'm looking for... You should have an average or larger cock, be clean, somewhat attractive... prefer someone average looking. also, you must be discreet and preferably in a hetero relationship but not required. also an interest in crossdressing and trannys would be a plus but again, not required...

Let me state that a 250lb 6ft tall bisexual into crossdressing and trannies is not average, and the probability of finding another large, bisexual with a beard into crossdressing and trannies is extremely limited because it is not average. Sorry for raining on your parade.

Open Letter from Life to Michiganders

Dear Michiganders,

I was reading USA Today and stumbled across this.

"Michiganders are furious at life, ...says Democratic pollster Celinda Lake. " [USAT]

I would just like to formally state what should be obvious from the repeated royal rogering you have recieved, I don't care.

Sincerely,

Life


P.S. Have you ever thought of going by Michiganites or Michigantoniniones. Your current designation kind of sounds like a bad knock-off japanese duck dish. Sorry, I just realized that being compared to a bad japanese knock-off might be a little close to home.